


Memoirs of a Demon (Or letters to Aziraphale)

by KillerQueen20



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: 6000 Years of Pining (Good Omens), 6000 Years of Slow Burn (Good Omens), Angst, Angst and Feels, Angsty Crowley (Good Omens), Aziraphale and Crowley Through The Ages (Good Omens), Falling In Love, Fluff and Angst, Hurt Crowley (Good Omens), Ineffable Husbands (Good Omens), Ineffable Idiots (Good Omens), Letters, Love Confessions, Love Letters, M/M, Musical References, Oblivious Aziraphale (Good Omens), Other Additional Tags to Be Added, POV Crowley (Good Omens), POV First Person, Pre-Canon: Good Omens, Protective Crowley (Good Omens), Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-17
Updated: 2019-12-16
Packaged: 2020-09-02 13:15:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 31
Words: 25,677
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20276494
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KillerQueen20/pseuds/KillerQueen20
Summary: Anthony J. Crowley has spent 6000 years of his existence on earth and of course that, for a demon like him, they have not been boring at all.He himself has wrote all his experiences and feelings here, in the form of letters addressed to his angel. But what can a demon say about life and love?





	1. ꧁ Before you start reading ꧂

**꧁ Before you start reading ꧂**

_We have to clarify that this is not just any work, these are the memoirs of a demon, who opened his heart and here he expressed everything, his ideas of good and evil, his thoughts on life, death and pain, but even more, here he wrote about love, in the form of letters, addressed to what could be considered the love of his life._

_Here you will find amorousness, the heartbreak, the affliction, anguish, joy, and many more feelings, coming from the heart and mind of a demon._

_If the reader considers being prepared for this, it’s invited to continue._


	2. 🟔 All roads lead to Rome 🟔

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first time we met, I didn't feel what humans usually experience... I felt all that later.

**Rome, AD 41**

**Dear angel:**

Have I called you angel? yes, I think I've done and honestly, I don't care, you're one, after all. Always back and forth, doing the right thing. Although, honestly speaking, who can define what is considered right in this world?

Was it god, who condemn all those who dared to question her gentle mandate? Who knows. Or was it Lucifer, who dragged his own brothers to the sorrow and eternal pain, facing them as if they were enemies? No idea. The only thing I know is that from now on I refuse to accept bad or good in my life and I dare to live my life without anyone questioning whether my actions are perverse enough or terribly kind.

Again our paths have found, though I fear that it will be like that for the rest of our existence, we're immortal beings, after all. We will meet until this world burn and is shattered into ashes.

I have to say that it's always a delight to see you, even in the most frustrating moments of my eternal existence, you know what they say out there, the worst places in the world can be stand if you are with interesting people, and believe me when I tell you that of all the people I've met (it's not to show off, but they are many) you are, by far, the most interesting.

The first time we met, I didn't feel what humans usually experience, there were no waterfalls of emotions in my stomach or breeze hitting me in the face like a revelation, neither there weren't fireworks and it didn't even cross my head that the planets they would have lined up to meet us ... I felt all that later.

The first time we met, I was curious. You made me fix my attention, always scattered, on you. You were interesting and indecipherable, you were different to the other angels and even I could have felt identified with you but I forced myself to ward off those thoughts from my mind, you were an angel, pure and softhearted and I was a demon tainted by sin.

You will have realized that the first impressions are usually wrong, that has happened to me with you. The first time I saw you I thought you were a stupid angel and now... I still think you are a stupid angel but you're also virtuous, affable and upstanding, you're more than an angel ever could be.

Beyond being an angel, you are a good person, and I am a fucking bastard. That difference will be always present and it's something we have to deal with for the rest of our lives.

It doesn't matter how much you inquire or how much you worry; you will always reach the same conclusion. We can be never together or face each other without that natural feeling of enmity being present in us, as they say there, all roads lead to Rome (And I wrote this letter after meeting you in Rome, how curious!)

We have to stop behaving like two old mates and more like the enemies we are (To be honest, for some reason, writing this hurts in the deep of my being). If we see each other again, don't look at me, don't talk to me: ignore me. Only then we can be the adversaries meant to be. If you don't, I'm afraid that this will be more hurtful every time I see you.

I have nothing left to say: _Do your thing, I will do my thing._

** _ <strike>Yours sincerely,</strike> _ **

** _ <strike>Best wishes,</strike> _ **

** _Regards,_ **

Crowley


	3. 🟔 Simply inexplicable 🟔

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Your way of being is inexplicable... You cause an effect on me, very curious, In a way, you bother me, and that makes me love you even more.

**Kingdom of Wessex, AD 537**

**Dear angel:**

You are someone difficult, do you know that? I didn't believe that angels had such a complex character, sometimes I believe that under that facade of a pure and innocent angel there is a true bastard who could come out even the most selfish desires of his heart, but he does not want, or rather, they don't let him.

Come on, I know how strict they are up there, with their many "rules" and endless "jobs" to make demand perfection every step you take, of course, I know it, I suffer the same as you here in hell. You see, after all, we are not so different.

But you refuse to change your perception of things, are you afraid, perhaps? Maybe you fear I have a little reason, that neither side is interested in what happened to us, just want to see something written in the reports. With how happy we could be if we only said a few little lies and live comfortably wandering idly through the earth, but no, you're too good for that.

I have to admit, I was like you (yes, there once was some kind of goodness inside me) when I was an angel, and look at me now, a fatuous demon to which the heaven rejected and made fall when the doubts just eroded inside his mind and began to question.

For some reason you attract me, but I know you repel me, you think that I am still a miserable demon who only dedicates himself to disgrace the lives of others and to disobey his superiors, even so, that has not prevented him from feeling a certain curiosity towards you that over time it has become fascination.

In a way, you bother me, and that makes me love you even more. I'm bothered by your strict sense of morals; your righteousness bores me (Hey! I am a demon, it is in my nature to act like a bastard) and it mortifies me how oblivious you can be. All this makes me feel a protective instinct for you, I want to take care of you and ensure that your slips do not get you into trouble.

Another thing I can't stand of you is goodbyes, every time we see each other we swear it will be the last time, but for some damn reason, we meet again and that has become a vicious circle for me. Because it has become an addiction for me, I can't help but regret wanting to simply tell you that I don't want to see you later, that I want to continue seeing you right there, from that moment until tiredness.

You cause an effect on me, very curious. In you, there is more purity and gentleness than in any other angel and despite having spent millennia on the earth that does not seem to have stained your kindness at all even it seems that there is more peace and love on earth when you are around, the world does not deserve you, Angel, seriously.

Your way of being is inexplicable (I will never say that word that you repeat until you get fed up every time we see each other) and it is more what you make me feel, you make me shiver and blush as if I were any kid, I am a demon, for love of ... whatever! As much as I want to hide it, this threatens to come out every time I see you.

Well, there is a word to explain what you make me feel, but I refuse to say it, it's... I don't even know if demons can feel that.

At this point, the pathetic has become (look what you cause! Now I have called myself pathetic) part of me so I think it will be better to stop writing before I start writing more indiscretions and things I do not want come to light and you would read (yet).

So ... Until we meet again, or something like that.

** _ <strike>Regards,</strike> _ **

** _See you soon,_ **

Crowley

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise that in the next chapter the romance will begin, these first two chapters are to lay the foundations :)


	4. 🟔 Love letters to an angel 🟔

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I've been trying to convince myself for so long there are so many reasons not to love you, but in my despair to try to understand it I've forgotten the most important thing:
> 
> I can't.

**Unknown place, unknown date**

**Dear Angel:**

I love you.

Yes, I just simply said it. I'm not going to waste paper and ink writing reasons or explanations when I have all an eternity to do it.

I can only tell you when we were together I felt breathless, I felt the world-shaking under my feet and I wanted nothing more. And that was just the beginning.

What else can I say? I look at you carefully when I have you close, appreciated what you say and try to inquire what you keep quiet, I see your interest in certain things, the way you move your hands abruptly when nervousness beats you, I observe your gestures, I adore your gaze, I contemplate your eyes as something that keeps my feet on the ground, reminding me that I have to look away before I end up losing myself... and never finished deciphering you.

I've been trying to convince myself for so long there are so many reasons not to love you, but in my despair to try to understand it I've forgotten the most important thing:

_I can't._

Oh, Aziraphale! you always so dear, so charming, so good; and I... I'm just a disaster.

I will tell you a secret: I'm not nice, I will never be, but neither I'm that damn bastard that heaven wants to make you think I am.

All beings are like ... salads! Yes, that is ... salads. We are good and bad things chopped and mixed together in a vinaigrette of confusion and conflict.

Or at least that is my excuse, a poor and terrible excuse that I have to say so I can believe that there could be something between us.

I do not want me false hopes, I can hear your voice in my head telling me that we are nothing but enemies, hereditary enemies, rather. That causes me great sorrow. And I don't know why I feel I will carry this feeling for a long, long time.

Sometimes I dream awake (and sometimes asleep) and let myself be dazzled by what I see in those dreams. What dazzles me? The wonderful thing if the "we" existed. But I don't want to live wondering what we could have been. But simply no, I'm not that kind of demon.

I could promise you heaven, but you've already been there (and I don't want to return), I would give you a thousand and one wonders if you were not one, I could build you castles worthy of a fairy tale, but I don't want that, I do not want a fairy tale or fantasy because that is not you... you are much more than that, you, you are real.

That is the only thing that I offer you: reality, only that because it is the only thing I have; I do not cling to me in any way to perfection, although I must say I would be contradicting ... you're the most perfect thing in creation (I shall digress here to point out what you've made me corny).

If I have decided to tell you all this it is not because I want you to correspond (I say it again, we have an eternity for that), no, this has nothing to do with my selfish desires. Just you knew it was necessary to acknowledge: it is you who snatches my sighs, your kindness, your strength, and your celestial silent presence has surpassed me. There is no doubt, this is love.

If after this you decide to treat me like a stranger I will understand, if that is what you want I will respect it, I just needed to take this weight off me no matter that you didn't even want to see me again, all I wanted was to tell my truth.

_Do your thing, I will do my thing._

** _Yours sincerely,_ **

Crowley

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked it! By the way, did you notice the reference to Lemony Snicket?


	5. 🟔 Loneliness and hope 🟔

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I admit, you, Aziraphale, are the only hope in the life of this poor, pathetic demon, and surely what keeps him alive.

**Venice, 1519**

**Dear Angel:**

This is the first letter I write to you in a long time since that one I wrote and sent you years ago and you...

You didn't answer it.

I know I promised you that I wouldn't care what you did after reading the letter, but the truth is...

_I lied._

The truth is that I miss hearing about you. Loneliness is a very nasty feeling; you know? I have become so used to seeing you and listening to you that simply knowing nothing about you makes me feel very bad, almost sick.

All my thoughts are for you. Sometimes (if not always) I live a with a (great) feeling of nostalgia; tormented, restless, undecided, with a thousand things in mind, but I always end up thinking about you. All my thoughts have been accompanied by your affable and sweet image, sometimes static and everlastingly illuminated by the brightness of your eyes; and every time you appear in my mind, I don't think about anything else, they are just moments where I feel at peace with myself, where I feel revolutionized and calm at the same time.

It happens that when I'm with you I feel nothing, neither sadness or emptiness, anguish and restlessness seem to have never existed for me and I believe that you are not even aware of the feelings you generate. That is why, when I am with you, I force myself to long for melancholy, because I know that when you leave, it will return inevitably causing me a bitter time.

You are a simply extraordinary being, and you have a power extremely intense in you, one capable of putting a demon on his knees (and believe me, you have already done it). I don't know why is it perhaps the peace you radiate? Or is it probably the hope you give me? Yes, I admit, you, Aziraphale, are the only hope in the life of this poor, pathetic demon, and surely what keeps him alive.

It has been impossible not to feel deprived of all my darkness with the sole fact of having you in front of me; you, doing nothing, provoke in me the peace and happiness that the rest of the time I don't find anywhere, and when you're gone, the cruel emotions return to me as a sad and constant companion.

I think I've already exceeded myself, I must heed my promise and stop insisting, that's what you want, isn't it?

I've been to Italy and met a nice chap, Da Vinci I think his name is. It reminds me of you (damn! Another thing that makes me think about you), it's so energetic and bright, always so focused on his work than everything else. You've probably met him already, but what the heck! It's the renaissance! Everyone talks about him and surely someone as educated and intelligent as you, should have already known him.

One day we end up drunk, you should know that, despite being a genius, that Da Vinci can be such a drunkard. I saw some of his paintings and sketches and told him: _"Hey Leo, you could draw me as that painting of the Mona Lisa, why do not you?"_ And he agreed! It's a great painting, one day I'll show you if we meet again.

Shit, the more likely that you get tired of these letters (if not already did) but know that I write because I want to, I need to. I don't write to you by obligation, I've never felt that way. I write to you because I like talking to you because I like to write to you, even if you don't even answer me.

If you want, take my life, take all of me, but that will never prevent me from feeling all this towards you.

I can't fight against this feeling.

I would like to be with you.

But surely I'm still being an enemy before your eyes.

I wouldn't like to admit it, but that hurts me.

** _Sincerely yours,_ **

Crowley


	6. 🟔 Ode to Lust 🟔

**Unknown place, unknown date**

**Dear Angel:**

In the bed. On the floor. Against the wall. In total darkness. In entire clarity. Loud. Quiet. Fast. Very, very slow.

You make me feel... things... That's it! Things that none demon should feel. My feelings for you have grown instead of stop, and I think It will be like this for the rest of my existence.

Obscenities on your breath. My name coming out of your lips. Your hands-on my skin. Your sweat on the sheets. A gasp caught in your throat. My voice whispered in your ear.

I am really attracted to you, that's true, not just romantically but in several ways, many different ways. But no, I'm not capable to corrupt you, to take away that purity that makes you special, the one that made me fall in love with you. I'm not such a bastard.

Taut muscles. Tight hands. Teeth. Tongues. Finger-soft touches. Touches. Grips.

This love I feel for you has already brushed the edge of insanity. Those eyes, Oh! Those eyes and gazes capable of bringing anyone on their knees. That smile, enough to take on the world. And don't make me talk about your affable and wonderful nature! All on you is simply divine. If you were god, I would venerate you so much that I'm sure I would have never fallen.

Friction. Slick strokes. A weight pressed against you. On your front. On your back. By your side.

This letter is nothing but an ode to lust. That one you make me feel every time I see you, mixed with purer but inconceivable feelings for a demon.

Muffled moans. Brazen cries. Your name, repeated. My name, just once.

I shouldn't feel this, I shouldn't even think about you in the way I do. But here we are, you, an angel full of graciousness and love, and me... just a mess.

All I want is…

Bliss.

Heartbeats. Inhalations. Cooling skin. Hot breath. Peaceful sleep. Euphoria.

I will send this letter, although tomorrow I probably don't even remember I wrote it. But what I can assure you is, although I don't remember anything, I know you'll keep making me feel all this, I know I will still love you.

_Will you do?_

** _Truly yours,_ **

Crowley


	7. 🟔 Loving you 🟔

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Because I fell in love with you, you idiot.
> 
> I fell in love with you, although I didn't know anything about love.
> 
> Because this is the best I can do: Loving you

**London, 1609**

**Dear angel:**

I should feel ashamed for that letter I wrote you time ago, but oh, surprise! I am not, I don't regret writing it because of those words portrayal of what I feel for you. Passion, insanity, veneration, love, and sincerity are only a small part of how much I feel for you.

It's supposed that someone of my type should not act or feel this way, but something that others forget is that:

This is me

I have done what you have told me, I have helped and done miracles, all against my nature, because with you I am but a mere slave, ruling under your orders, I tell you now and I will always tell you, you are capable of taking on the world.

I do not obey anyone but you, you and your passionate ideals, your sharp determination, your beautiful words, and your affection.

I feel that I am pretentious in saying this, but I can't help it; I think you and I can have great love.

I would like to compare ourselves with Hamlet and Ophelia, but I know that we are not and will not be someone as insane as Hamlet, we are Ophelia, so blindly in love, but being controlled by the wishes of others and not ours, but neither I want to be Ophelia nor do I want you to be, I don't want to end up with a broken heart or lose my mind killing myself

We are more than simple humans and we have always known that we are powerful beings, destined to be enemies and not to love each other because I hope you will. I hope that at least a small part of what I feel is reciprocal.

Because I fell in love with you, you idiot.

I fell in love with you, although I didn't know anything about love.

I didn't want to admit it, but I can't do it anymore, I have wanted, dreamed of kissing you from nearly the first moment I met you and I've only loved you more every day.

Because this is the best I can do: _Loving you_

I doubt many things, but not this, and I don't want you to doubt it, never doubt that I love you.

I am bad at expressing my feelings and these letters are the only way I have to show what I feel without fear: Believe me as much as I say, believe me, that I love you.

But sometimes ... sometimes I feel that you don't love me, maybe I'm not an angel to feel the love wherever I go, but I thought that someone like you, someone who has more love in a heart than anyone with two, would feel, even if it was a pity for this deplorable demon in love.

Should I keep waiting for you? How many years? One thousand years more?

I don't care, I could wait for you entire millennia.

** _Always yours, _ **

Crowley

**_Pd:_** It was always you


	8. 🟔 And I Should Hate You 🟔

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Idiot. Idiot. Idiot Absolutely an idiot!  
Ugh, how is possible that, despite all of your defect, I'm still in love with you?

**Paris, 1793**

**Dear Angel:**

Idiot. Idiot. Idiot Absolutely an idiot!

You are a insufferable with a lack of sense of self-preservation! Seriously, you drive me insane. And not in a good way! In an ugly, bad way, the one where my head hurts from just thinking about you and your lack of common sense, getting into trouble where I have to go to your rescue as if I had the time to do it!

I curse your reckless and foolish actions; You show a disdainful disregard for your own safety that makes me think if I should start following you to avoid getting into more trouble.

You are an angel, but that does not excuse you from having defects (Oh yes, angel! Of course you have them) You are so stubborn and so annoying, an imprudent, who talks about not getting into trouble but you are the first to be where there are. Not even me, being a demon I have been in as much trouble as you have been.

Furthermore, you have an insane love for food (don't you sin of gluttony?) And are so in love (if not obsessed) with books. I still don't understand how can make you happy to eat a filthy dessert or lost in a novel.

I should hate you, but I…

Ugh, how is possible that, despite all of your defect, I'm still in love with you?

You are insufferable, but you are also incredible. You always do the right thing, regardless of your own well-being, which always amazes me.

I am still amazed by your goodness and good heart despite the evilness of the world around you.

You are such a stubborn, but that is probably one of the best things about you. You are determined and valiant, when you set your mind on something, nobody can change it, not even me.

Passionate about everything you love, food, books, everything. I adore how your eyes shine when you eat crepes or how you enrapture with Shakespeare’s best works.

So steadfast and kind to everyone. And you always go forward with your beliefs, so virtuous and considerate, miraculously.

You could get into millions of problems, but even so, I would go to your rescue, as if I were a charming prince.

And I could spend hours here, writing about how wonderful you are, but I don't want to spend sheets and ink writing when I can tell you, I have an eternity to do it.

If I had the nerve to do it.

You are an angel, and beyond that, an extraordinary being; and I am a banal demon who only hopes that one day you will love him as he loves you.

I can only say…

I like you.

I adore you.

I love you.

** _Always yours,_ **

Crowley


	9. 🟔 Cursed 🟔

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Because we don't know how to love, that's why I gave up on love when I fell. And now, with all the pain in my heart, I'll give up on love again, I'll give up on you.

**London, 1862**

**Dear angel:**

I write this letter after our fight because I need to explain it to you, although I know that, due to your stubbornness, you will not understand the reasons.

You will never understand the reasons why I do many of my actions, and honestly, I don't expect you to understand them. This is something that only concerns a demon.

I'm cursed.

The demons do not know how to love. Or at least, that's what they say. Because I am sure that our love memories were cruelly torn from us when we fell.

And because we don't know how to love, that's why I gave up on love when I fell, when I felt like a hellish fire burned me alive until I fell. I gave up love when my shine turned into darkness and I became the repent being that I am now.

I didn’t choose this, angel, I didn’t choose to be a demon. If I had the chance, I would go back in time and make none of that happened. But I also didn’t choose to feel everything I felt during the last millennia.

I'm really cursed now.

I'm cursed because I can never receive your love, even if you radiate it. I am doomed to see you shine inches from me without even feeling your light. I cannot believe I was ever loved, now I doubt it.

Still not understanding it, Aziraphale? I do not understand it either. But when I'm with you is when I'm really fine. Being with you certainly makes me feel good. And I love to see you smile. Sometimes I wonder if I ever shone the way you do if I had a beautiful smile like yours... Oh... don't blush angel... when you do you make me have that feeling that I don't I can explain Angel. Don't smile at me like that. Stop it. Don't give me false hopes. I'm cursed

How does it feel to be loved Aziraphale? Because the only thing that seems to have felt is to long for something that I can never possess. Because I am doomed to eternal longing. I know I will never be forgiven. There is no redemption for the fallen. I know I will never be loved again.

And now, with all the pain in my heart, I'll give up on love again, I'll give up on you.

Believe me when I tell you that, not being able to see you, being with you, talking to you or making love to you (sorry, I said it impetuously) will kill me little by little every day.

I hope you understand the reason for my letter, I needed to release everything I felt before I left, before immersing myself in that deep sleep, I could not get to live with all this in my heart, I needed to take it out and tell someone, and none one better than you, my impossible love, the owner of my heart and thought, all of you.

Always remember this, I love you more than anyone, if you ever manage to love me in any other way I hope it’s the same as I do, you would make me eternally happy.

** _My eternal love,_ **

Crowley


	10. 🟔 After all this time 🟔

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Because even after all this time...
> 
> I'm still in love with you.

**London, 1940**

**Dear Angel:**

We haven't talked for a long time; we haven't even seen each other for a long time. How long has it been? 60, 70, 78 years. Wow, I have to admit, all this time without you has been really awful.

Seriously, it's been a long time. A long, long time.

A very long time, away from you and locking in myself, something that has been driving me crazy.

And not hearing from you, oh, knowing nothing about you! It's not that I worry about you, of course not, you can take care of yourself, it's just that...

Humbug, yes, I do care about you, I care, much more than I would like to imagine.

Writing letters is something that people had recommended as a good outlet for my "feelings." I scoffed that, but here I am now, doing exactly that.

I'm currently writing this on my desk, yearning to see you again, no matter how angry you are with me.

I want to see you! It's been a while, so I'm going to find you. No matter how late, I will always find you. I want to forget the consequences and spend the day with you without worrying for once! I want to hear you for an eternity, I want to have dinner with you for all eternity! I want to hear you talk about the beauty of life forever! I want to see you!

I wish I had woken up before. I would like to be with you now, but I must endure this. That's why I started writing this letter first. To wait for you.

Now I can't think of anything more than the moment I see you again and there are a lot of emotions inside me. I'm excited to see you, but I'm also nervous that something goes wrong. I hate this feeling, I just want to see you, talk to you, touch you (Sorry, I think that has come from my heart and not my head).

I am also worried about what I should say. Of course, most likely I will speak most of the time, which is fine for me, but I want to hear you talk, I want to hear that voice that I have longed to hear after all this time (I think I have even dreamed about it!)

Maybe writing this letter was a bad idea. I think it can only make things worse. The last few years have been difficult. Even so, every time we had a brief meeting, a walk in the park, lunch or dinner, or a meeting at work, I always found myself wanting a little more time. Before our fight, I enjoyed the time I spent with you and I was shattered when we parted, but I couldn't help it.

Because even after all this time...

I'm still in love with you.

** _Yours Sincerely,_ **

Anthony J. Crowley


	11. 🟔 Coward 🟔

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Being afraid makes me a coward, a coward who has long only expressed his feelings through letters and not in front of you. So I keep my mouth shut and watch you walk away.

**London, 1941**

**Dear Angel:**

Have I ever complained about your lack of common sense? If not, let me tell you: You have the same common sense as me! That is, None!

I'm still surprised you're still alive if it wasn't because I am the one who has saved you more than once, I don't know what would have happened to you.

Although the truth is that ... I would go to save you as many times as necessary, wherever and whenever there I would be, your knight in shining armor (Or, rather, your knight in rusty armor)

I still do not forget the ridiculous things I did when I went for you, just someone like you could think smuggle books in a church! and I, like the idiot that I'm, I went right behind you, as it has always been, and I think it's something that will never change.

Even so, I'm happy, I'm happy because I saw you. You are the only one who can make a demon feel something so ... pure. But it's the truth, I'm happy, glad, ecstatic because I saw you again, despite how angry you should be with me, I finally saw you again, something I had wanted to do for a long time.

But, despite how happy I was to see you again, I left as the coward I am.

It was hard to leave after that. I just wanted to stay and hear you talk about everything that happened while I was away. I wanted to stay and see you enjoy your desserts; which I know you will taste every bite. I wanted to see you laugh at my horrible jokes and shake my head while telling my adventures, but I could leave with the promise to see you on another occasion.

I would have liked to stay, listen to you talk for hours about the books you have read recently or about any new restaurant you would like to try or anything! I wouldn't mind listening to you as long as necessary.

I think I enjoy it so much, not only because of your soft voice but also because of the emotions that play out on your face. You tend to light up when you rumble about something that makes you happy, you smile brightly and with your eyes twinkling. When you are agitated or annoyed, you have a face that I would compare to an annoying puppy. Your eyebrows frown and your lips slightly frown in an upset line.

It's not a frown though, no, you have to be sad to frown. The few times I've seen you sad, have hurt me in a way I didn't think it was possible. Such a pure, good-hearted and well-intentioned being should never be frowning. And the two times I've seen you cry, it nearly destroyed me. And those two times, they nearly destroyed me. That's why I would do anything to make you smile again.

But despite all that, still, I decide to leave, because you're still mad at me and that's something I still can't live with.

Because I'm afraid, yes, a demon is afraid! I am afraid of rejection, I fear that one day you will reject me and draw me away because I am a demon and the demons are bad, evil and that for that reason our relationship is unlikely, if not impossible.

Being afraid makes me a coward, a coward who has long only expressed his feelings through letters and not in front of you.

I have not the courage to tell you what I feel face to face, I fear that when I do I will collapse and this time nothing will hold me.

So I keep my mouth shut and watch you walk away. But every time you say goodbye I ache to just shout for you to have another drink, order another dessert, something, anything to keep you by my side a little longer. I never do, obviously. I can't. You would say no and you would leave anyway, leaving me sadder for the rejection than if I had let you go without saying anything.

I have nothing left to say: _Do your thing, I will do my thing._

** _Always yours,_ **

Anthony J. Crowley


	12. 🟔 Times of War 🟔

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And honestly, I don't want them to make me choose between you and the ideals that I am bound to follow simply by being a demon. Because I would choose you over all other things.

**London, 1943**

**Dear Angel:**

What a crazy time are we living, isn't it?

The last years have been hard I have not even been able to see you as often as I would like, you know, I have been back and forth tempting people and accomplishing my demoniac tasks that have not given me time to see you. Work stuff, I guess.

Yeah, war is bad, isn't it? Well, for an angel like you of course it is ...

Ugh! This letter is so stupid, your effect on me has reached such a degree that I can't even write something in a simple letter.

I've written this letter about six times. Ten, maybe? It's possible.

I think that not seeing you makes me weak. Weak! Me, a demon, one of the best of hell, is nothing more than a weak thing when I see you (or when I don't to see you)

Times are getting darker and I have been forced to do more bad things than a common demon can do, and I don't know how much longer I can avoid the task of blinding lives. I don't want to become evil personified. I don't want to, but I have to keep pretending if I want to survive this craziness. Can you forgive me if I get to stain my hands with the blood of innocents? (Because I've never done that)

Wars are not inevitable, they are the humans who think that any disagreement is an irrefutable reason to start a war like if this were a game, And not a fucking war!

All this has made me think (Yes angel, believe it or not, I think!) At some point we have to face, what we have done or that we felt will not matter in the battlefield, where we will be forced to face and fight like enemies and not as friends (or something else)

And honestly, I don't want them to make me choose between you and the ideals that I am bound to follow simply by being a demon. Because I would choose you over all other things.

This war has lasted a lot (And I tell you, angel, who saw a war of more than 100 years with his own eyes), has even come to overwhelm me. Every time I wake up startled for past regrets I strongly hold your glove, yes, that same one, the one you thought was long lost, someday I will return it to you if I am able to stop spending hours smelling your cologne on it or tracing your initials embroidered on the back with my fingers.

But I cannot deny it, this is what wars do, make people lose hope, with each defeat, with each triumph, a small part of humanity is lost and no divine power will be able to bring it back.

I lost hope a long time ago when I fell and realized that nothing and no one would make me go back to what I was before. And, oh, surprise! It was all due to a war.

This must be very hard for you. I don't want you to lose hope, no, I want you to keep it, that's a part of what makes you so pure, something so sublime that I can only yearn to touch.

I don't want everything you are to be stained by the sinfulness that exists in the world. Maybe I am a hopeless demon, but I don't want you to be a hopeless angel.

I just hope that this ends soon, that you see peace, joy, and love again, that an angel like you should always enjoy.

I promise to write to you soon.

** _Sincerely yours,_ **

Anthony J. Crowley


	13. 🟔 Freedom 🟔

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I want freedom, true freedom. As painful as it may be to look for her, I am willing to suffer during its search than to suffer for an eternity without it.

**London, 1945**

**Dear Angel:**

I know I promised to write soon, but it has not been possible. Hell has brought me back and forth working, like if I were a slave! I hate this, I hate being accomplishing obligations that I don't even like. And I haven't had more than three or four hours a day to eat, clean and rest.

I don't like this, I want to be free, much freer than I am, I want to do what I want, go wherever I want, do miracles, have wings, everything, no matter how scary it's to just think about this.

Oh yeah! Absolute freedom scares, angel, but it is even scarier to be a prisoner of the will of others and not of yours.

I want freedom, true freedom. As painful as it may be to look for her, I am willing to suffer during its search than to suffer for an eternity without it.

To be honest, I confess you there is only one person who has really been important in my life... you. And there's nothing in this world I want more than seeing you happy... that's my greatest desire.

I just want to remind you, angel, that there is always another way. There is not a dead-end, without options. I want to you be happy and you can never be completely if you are not totally free. No being has been happy being a prisoner.

As long we live like this way, we won't ever be free. We will only feel freedom in the scarce moments in which we encounter, without having to be accomplishing our obligations and with everything everyone expects of us. How can I explain that everything they have told us is a vile lie?

Sometimes I wish you to run away with me and start a new life, far away from everything they have taught us, but I've never dared to say it.

You know I'll always be there for you no matter what paths we take, nothing can change the fact of who you are and that you are what I love most in this world.

Many times I wake up startled remembering the last time we saw each other, we should never say goodbye assuming that we would see each other again, neither of us deserves that and now it seems impossible for either of us to be part of each other's life.

Can that be possible Zira? Can we be happy one day?

My mind battles my heart looking for that answer, too many scars separate us and yet I can't completely disengage you from my life, even if my head insistently says to push you away. I'm tired, you know, tired of running away from you.

** _Completely yours,_ **

Anthony J. Crowley


	14. 🟔 Ataraxia 🟔

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Although I know that nothing will keep us together forever, we could steal a little more time and love each other, even if is just for one day.  
And I am decided; to protect you no matter what I may lose on the road, as long as you are well I will have won the battle.

**London, 1955**

**Dear Angel:**

I hope you don't mind if I put down in words how wonderful life is when you're in the world.

I had a hard time writing many of these verses, but I've managed to write for you, you're what keeps me alive.

You and I. You and I, alone, just the two of us against the world. How it should be, how I want it to be. You and I against the world, nothing more. Stay with me, that's what I've always wanted.

It is impossible for me not to love you. You are good, you are generous, kind, full of all the good things in the world. There is no being purer than you and that is why I love you. For being yourself.

Did I mention how I could hear your voice for an eternity? It's so gentle and melodious, so peaceful and relaxing, and every emotion that passes through your face is palpable in your voice. I could hear your voice and know exactly how you feel without seeing your face. Of course, seeing your face while you talk is something I would never give up on, so I looked at you all the time, giving you the murmur of agreement or nodding when necessary.

And let's not talk about your look! Not from your eyes, yours that are the sweetest eyes I've ever seen.

Let me, at least know, that I have a chance in the future, that you will be cruel and give me hope, and no matter how impossible it will be, you will promise me love and affection.

We should be lovers, yes, although we can't do that, we should be lovers.

Although I know that nothing will keep us together forever, we could steal a little more time and love each other, even if is just for one day.

We can love each other, forever and ever, we can be heroes.

Please do not wait until our world to become ashes.

I know that I need you, and I know that I will wait for you forever.

Because I fell in love with you Aziraphale, without planning it, without anticipating it ...

And I am decided; to protect you no matter what I may lose on the road, as long as you are well I will have won the battle.

I know that things can go wrong, I know that all the ataraxia in which we live is unsteady at every step we take, so I focus on capturing all the details of life, of you, as if it were the last time I saw them, because it may be, so I memorize your essence, so that your laughter, the sound of your breathing, everything is recorded in my memory, because I know that at any moment things may change, perhaps in a distant day I'll miss all those details.

And I don't want to miss a thing.

** _Sincerely Yours, _ **

Anthony J. Crowley

**Pd.** Shit! Did I write all of this? I should have drunk too much. I should never have had all those whiskey bottles. Do not think that I have written all this seriously (although it is).


	15. 🟔 You've Broken My Heart 🟔

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I can't help it, you're the closest to heaven that I’ll ever be. And I don't think that they'd understand.

**London, 1967**

**Dear Angel:**

You've broken my heart; you know? A simple phrase and everything fell apart around me.

I'm going too fast for you, huh? Do you think it's too soon for someone who has loved you since the first time he met you? I can't believe your cynicism. Me, your faithful devotee at your feet and you, without tempting your heart, instead of giving me hope, you throw them away as if it were a waste.

All I want is to be with you!

You are the wretch! Me not! Are you afraid? Because I don't, I told you, I'm willing to face a thousand fatalities and more to be by your side. Too bad that is not your case.

And you know what? Me as the stupid I am; I'll wait for you until you're ready to love me. Just one thing, angel, if you wait until you're ready, you'll end up waiting for the rest of your life.

I just want you to know, nothing more, that what is said now are words that breathe because you took possession of my lungs, I had to release everything in spite of you ... and in spite of me.

My only desire is to live with you, feed on the breath of your mouth, the sound of your voice and your presence alone, feel that our hearts beat at the same pace and with each sunrise be by your side and observe you while you sleep, to play with your hair and lean on your chest and above all feel that with the simple touch of your hand on my back I can touch the heaven, with your passionate caresses and your kisses running through my body.

I want to be the heaven from your universe and the reason to wake up and contemplate the first rays of the sun of each dawn, of each day in a different place. My love, every night I look at the stars waiting for one of them to signal me and tell me where you are.

But I guess it can't be that way, we're meant to be broken.

I want to accept it, I want to understand the same as you, accept that we cannot be together because it is simply impossible, an angel and a demon! What an absurd idea!

But I can't, I'm completely in love with you.

I can't help it, you're the closest to heaven that I’ll ever be. And I don't think that they'd understand.

I honestly can't take it anymore, I can't take it anymore, my soul can't take it anymore and it's going to break forever. I love you, but it seems not impossible, and you seem to accept it, and what else can I do to resign myself? Because those are your wishes, and your wishes are my commands.

There are things that I cannot change, no matter how much I want, or how much I cry, they cannot be changed. I cannot change the way my heart quickened the first time we met, I cannot return the words to my mouth, nor can I forget the event. Nor can I eliminate the guilt that consumes me when I remember it.

I can't change what I felt when I saw you smile for the first time, with a mellow voice that was able to eliminate all the evil in the world. Or every time your eyes were on the beauty of the world, he was a strong person, who defended what is right with his blood and sweat, but he showed me that besides being strong, you are kind, good, kind, virtuous, you are more than I can ever be.

You have been with me so long, and so well, that sometimes it is difficult for me; but, even so, now I can't imagine my life without you. I have learned by heart every part of your skin in a few meetings. But I've been hating you all my life for everything you make me feel, loving you is more fun and infinitely pleasurable.

Every word, every gesture, and every smile I have until forever, are and will be yours.

Angel, remember I carried you in my heart.

I carry you in your heart.

** _With love,_ **

Anthony J. Crowley


	16. 🟔 Letter from a broken-hearted lover 🟔

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I fell. I fell for being an idiot, for being curious, for being hasty, for being whatever you want to say but that is no fatality compared to falling in love with you. That's tragic.

**London, 1972**

**Dear Angel:**

I'm drunk

I can't deny it, I'm drunk and I hardly distinguish the letters I write between dizziness and blurred vision.

And you have to ask yourself, why do I tell you this? It's for you to see the effect you have on me. I don't say it's your fault, at least not totally, but this is what happens every time I remember you and your rejections, and my relentless search for a signal that tells me we can be together, even if only for one night.

Liquor is my only escape to avoid the disappointment I feel when I remember that something between you and me, us, is impossible. Alcohol makes me fantasize, makes me dream about a reality where there is neither heaven nor hell, there are only you and me, and a long list of reasons to be together. But then, awake from my lethargy and I realize that reality is more painful than before and there are my thousand and one reasons to continue drinking.

But I refuse to say I'm broken-hearted. That would hurt my pride. Besides, I'm not such a bastard to behave so upsettingly with you, despite all the rejections you make me suffer, I find no reason to despise you for that.

So you will never notice the pain that runs through my body when I think about us, you will never hear a word full of anger towards you, nor will you appreciate my false smiles or how I struggle not to fall apart because of the pain I have felt for hundreds of years. Even so, there are times that I fall to my knees, leading back to that vicious circle of alcohol and sorrows.

I fell. I fell for being an idiot, for being curious, for being hasty, for being whatever you want to say but that is no fatality compared to falling in love with you. That's tragic.

Maybe I should give up on you. I'm attractive, confident and sexy, surely there is someone out there who is willing to be with me. I should give up the angel with blond hair and a sweet smile, able to atone for the sins of the most sinful demon. Should I do that? Cheat my head with alcohol and the heart with someone else?

But giving up... I'm not the ones who give up. Besides that, it would make me a brokenhearted man and I already told you, I'm not that.

Destiny is capricious and we will never know what lies ahead, but what I can tell you with certainty is that ... I will be with you. I am incapable of hating you, you are incapable of being hateful, so, as long as I live, I will be with you, to take care of you or get you into trouble, either of those two things, but in the end, I will not look for anything other than your tranquility. I swear, it's a promise.

** _With love,_ **

Anthony J. Crowley


	17. 🟔 Letter from a demon in love 🟔

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You can't love someone unless you love yourself first"
> 
> Bullshit.
> 
> I have never loved myself.

**London, 1975**

**Dear Angel:**

"You can't love someone unless you love yourself first"

Bullshit.

I have never loved myself.

But you, oh, God, I love you so much that I forgot what hating myself feels like.

I love you so much, I don't know how or when it happened, I just know that this feeling began to sprout slowly inside me, slowly without realizing it, and then, everything exploded, a boom that made me realized that you have bewitched me body and soul.

Forgetting you is impossible, you know? At night I talk to the moon about you and I tell you how much I miss you and I always repeat that forgetting you is impossible. For some reason, I feel attached to you as if we had met in another life, and you simply imprinted yourself in my soul and now I carry you as I carry my heart.

I can't be without you and when you're not with me I feel lonely, everything you make me feel (Love!) has stuck in my soul and I feel that, if I lose you, I will go crazy.

You were, you are and always will be, what I had always wanted, with whom I dream at night and want to turn around in bed and find you there, leaning on my pillow, looking at me with that radiant smile. You have my soul in love.

When I’m with you I feel alive, I forget I’m a demon, I turn into a man in love, weak and helpless but in love anyway and I think that can overcome anything.

I’d like to shout to the world that I am totally in love with you, more than in love, crazy about you. With your overwhelming way to be, you got me to touch the sky with your hands and your eyes, sometimes deep like the ocean, other terrible ones like fire and also tender and affectionate like an abandoned puppy, they melt me and give me life and that If I stopped seeing one day, I would die.

there's no way to stop this love. My love increases every day and despite the distance, I don't think there is anyone better to love, by your side everything is pure magic. In the silence of the night, looking out the window I feel how much I love you and although we have separated you have never left me.

We could be together, you could do everything, everything reasonable and everything unthinkable, if you just forget what they told us. We do not need anything or anyone.

I have written these letters for millennia and I still don't know how to say what I feel. Sometimes I feel that I say too much and sometimes that I express too little, that it is not enough. That all drives me crazy!

I have written you complete encyclopedias about the love I feel for you, but I think all I need is a simple phrase:

All that I am and everything I ever was is here, in your perfect eyes.

I don't know where and although I'm also confused about how, I just know that things will never change for us at all.

So I make a cordial invitation, angel:

Would you come with me and just forget the world?

** _Totally yours, _ **

Anthony J. Crowley


	18. 🟔 Come what may 🟔

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Then I realize, life and time can pass in front of our noses, but the only certain thing is that I will love you until the end of time. Come what may, I will love you until my dying day.

**London, 1985**

**Dear Angel:**

I close my eyes and I took a deep breath. This letter is for you.

I don't have many words to say and nonetheless there are so much I’d like to tell you

It is you, you are. You are ... one of those people who do not easily forget. You are. Only you are.

Some things happen, inevitable, inexorable. Like you and me. Like us, like what we have. When I am with you, it suddenly my life doesn't seem such a waste, suddenly this freaking world seems such a perfect place with such a perfect grace and everything revolves around you.

Yes, I’m love (was it not already there, too many millennia ago?) and I’ve never denied it. And what's my reason to fell in love? The reasons are not but an irremediable thing. And there are no words to explain why I love you, I just know it's like that and that's it. Maybe this was meant to be, who knows?

Wow, I never knew that I could ever feel like this, like I've never seen the sky before, but it is what you make me feel, the way you make me feel is so wonderful, simply divine (Ironic that a demon says this, isn't?) But it's the truth, I want to vanish inside your kiss, to hold me close and tightly while everything around us happens and I take enough courage to know that this is not such a bad thing bad.

Yes, because there are times when I refuse to accept that this is love, I try to convince myself that this is simply attraction, but then, you catch me again with your smile, your gaze, with all your gestures and suddenly I realize that I am suddenly helpless and every day I love you more and more.

Then I realize, life and time can pass in front of our noses, but the only certain thing is that I will love you until the end of time. Come what may, I will love you until my dying day.

There is something you should know, accept. You don't measure me. You don't measure my feelings. They are mine, and I keep them, cherish them or distribute them or keep them. I decide whether to give them a centimeter or a sky. And I give them all to you, dropper, in small doses. But all. Galaxies

But you ... Don't give me what you don't want, don't accept what you're not looking for. Here I am, anyway. I give you all, complete, unique, immortal, indelible. Do not forget me.

Will you forget me? That doesn’t matter, because I will still be entangled among your skin, oblivion, remembrance, and memories. I'm yours. Forever. I am forever yours.

Will I forget you? You are mine, I already have engraved on your skin, hair, nails, tongue, fingers, thighs ... in the soul.

An apocalypse may come, storms and stars may collide, but I will still love you until the end.

This is the end of the letter that I write to you, that I wrote to you. I say goodbye with a kiss, a hug, a caress and I love you. Goodbye, and I only ask you a favor: Dream with me some night.

I promise I will be fine. Not now, but soon.

** _With love,_ **

Anthony J. Crowley

.

.

.

.

.

He closed his eyes while letting the smoke from the cigar get stuck in his lungs, tighten up the pen tightly to try to avoid the shaking of his hand, leaving his nervousness in evidence with every word he wrote.

He put the pen aside and read the letter as if it was the first time he read it and he hadn't been the author of it. With every word, every verse, every phrase let out feelings that would never have the courage to show before Aziraphale. Letters were the only way to express what he felt, the emotions and passions that neither heaven nor hell would give him the chance to ever declare.

He closed his eyes again, squeezing them so that the tears did not escape from them, it hurt him, it slowly killed him that Aziraphale never answered any of those letters, which had been written for millennia, expressing each of those feelings so ... ineffable that only the angel was able to arise within him.

He reread the letter, several of the crooked words due to the trembling of his hand, small spots due to the tears that had come out at some times where he wrote the letter, but each paragraph was a truth, full of sharpness and feelings.

But, would it be worth it?


	19. 🟔 Love of my life 🟔

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Love never dies, though I would die for you Aziraphale. I would die for you, but I want you to live for me.

**London, 1991**

**My dearest one:**

Do you have any idea how is to live in love knowing our love is impossible to attain? Do you know the anguish it feels to understand that no matter how hard you try to get that love; it will never be yours? That, even if you dream of him and wish with all your strength to have it by your side, will your efforts be in vain?

Unfortunately, this is how I feel. I feel great impotence of knowing that you will never become mine, knowing it fills me with pain, it makes my heart bleed. Of course, who am I? Just a poor and unfortunate demon who has been by your side for so long, who misses you, who adores you, and who loves you.

I dream that one day you will answer this letter, that you keep something of me inside you, that you leave all behind and come to me. Dreams, dreams and more dreams. I want dreams to come true! But mine is meant to fail, you will not belong to me, even if I get your heart, because this relationship is impossible. We live in parallel worlds, worlds that must never be crossed more than in the imagination.

But who says that the impossible cannot be possible? That's why I'm still dreaming, imagining what it would be like to feel your touch, your kisses, your hugs ... For feeling loved and being able to love you in the same way.

What would it be like if this were not impossible? My life would change from beginning to end, my heart would be complete and alive at the same time, it would be completely whole and not partially. I would feel more happiness inside myself than even Juliet herself when she saw Romeo coming through her balcony. However, that’s just illusions, right?

Our love is an impossible aim, but the only one that I could find and that has come to conquer my heart with its perfection and personality has been you, and I cannot have you for more than I want.

And that hurts me. It hurts me the mere thought of it makes me sink in myself, in my loneliness. Can I find someone who can take your place in my heart? Impossible. Because no one can compare with you, nobody can enter my heart with the same force that you did. How will I compensate for not having you next to me? How to try to escape my heart and forget it? May my love for you diminish?

Is it possible to forget you? Is there a possibility that I loved you today and tomorrow I don't remember you? No, it is not possible. Because your light and brightness came to penetrate my soul and will reach beyond infinity, falling in love with everything that alums. But I can assure you, angel, that no one but me can feel for you this impotence, this struggle, this illusion of finally having you here, with me, by my side, protecting me, loving me, kissing me, feeling your body against mine.

I give up. You will not correspond to my love and I cannot force you to do so. I guess we are hereditary enemies and we always will be, isn't it?

This is the last letter I write to you; you will not answer nor I can continue to write them longing just for an answer. I cannot continue writing to you knowing that you will never answer and that you will never correspond to all I express in these letters.

I just beg you, don't answer this letter, I guess you're already an expert doing so, right? If you answered, you would only give high hope to me, a stupid demon in love. Yes, because I will keep to love you.

Love never dies, though I would die for you Aziraphale. I would die for you, but I want you to live for me.

** _Eternally Yours,_ **

Anthony J. Crowley

.

.

.

.

.

Only his angel was able to provoke all those feelings in him, love, affection, passion, tenderness, and fear, one that at that time completely paralyzed him in front of the library door.

He would lie if he said that his legs were not shaking and that fear did not completely subdue him when he was in front of his angel's bookstore.

He tightened up the letter tightly in his hand and quietly slipped it under the door, hoping that Aziraphale would not realize the letter until he was gone.

He stood in front of the door for a few more minutes until finally, the pain he felt in his chest indicated that it was better to leave than to remain there to torture himself.

He dragged his feet with regret, camouflaging himself in the crowd that passed through the streets of London following his day-to-day life. He wanted to ignore the persistent pain in his chest accompanied by that lump in his throat that told him that this was not the way to end things, that he had to turn around and return, to express face to face everything he had been writing for years on paper.

But no, he didn't, he kept walking, moving as far away as he could from there, keeping the everlasting uncertainty about whether Aziraphale would read his letter.

_"Probably not,"_ he thought bitterly, deciding to flee before facing the feelings he had been struggling with for a long time.


	20. 🟔 The Storm Before The Calm 🟔

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Why do you have to be so... good? Everything would have been easier for us if only... we weren't so different.

**London, 2007**

**Dear Angel:**

Again I am resorting to this method as are the letters to talk to you. I think it is a habit I have not been able to root out; I always found myself with a pen in hand about to write you another letter, just to remember that I had long since given up on you.

But I guess now we need the letters so we can communicate. Try to stop the end of the world? Me and you? That's crazy! It's not like that? Ugh, I know you're going to say "We don't try to stop the end of the world, Crowley, we'll just try ..." Excuses! We will try to go against the “ineffable” plan, no matter how hard you try to deny it, that is the truth.

What I really fear is someday you and I have to combat on the battlefield. I don't know if I could hurt you in any way.

You can call me selfish but, hey! I am a demon, after all. You're the one who always acts thinking about others, me not.

But, seriously, Azira. What if one day I have to fight against you? I'd rather die than have to raise a gun against you. However, does the same thing about to you? I'm not sure, actually, I'm not sure about anything. I used to think I knew you, now I hardly recognize myself when I look in the mirror.

And that leads me to think that maybe I made a mistake getting involved in all this shit ... I've always thought that my destiny was to be right where I am now. Being Satan's trust demon, trusting me to carry out the mission that will define the destiny of the world ... Most likely, if you had been you would have raised an eyebrow and rolled your eyes. And, if it had been anything other than this, perhaps you would have even sketched a small smile of satisfaction.

Why do you have to be so... good? Everything would have been easier for us if only... we weren't so different.

I can't be with you, Aziraphale, because I know you will try to find something good in me and you won't find it.

I can't be with you, Aziraphale, because according to our sides, we are destined to hate each other, not love us. And although I can hardly recognize it, that is the truth.

I can't be with you, Aziraphale, because I love you more than I could say or write, the love I feel for you consumes me and is killing me. I wish I had kissed you and you reciprocated, but that didn't happen or will happen.

I can't be with you, Aziraphale, because at some point we will have to take separate paths and I don't know if I can handle that.

I can't be with you, Aziraphale, and I would like to rid what I feel. But believe me, after more than 6000 years together, I have realized that it is impossible and that I will have with this pain inside of me, to see you, but not to be able to touch you (although I have already done it thousands of times in my dreams)

I know that I will not be able to fall in love with someone else because it is impossible to love another person as I did with you so I must forget you because I know that for you I am nothing more than a demon and a coward who was not able to fight even a little.

I can't be by your side, Aziraphale, because loving you hurts me.

I will be able to miss you only in my thoughts because in my heart you will always be.

** _Until the end of the world,_ **

Anthony J. Crowley

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"Aziraphale ...

"Yes, Crowley?" - Aziraphale answered distractedly while arranging some of his books on a bookshelf, with his back to the redhead on whose face was printed the typical doubtful gesture of a nervous person.

Crowley did not respond instantly, he just lightly squeezed the letter in his hand, which still had the fresh ink, just written in that bookshop, when the devil decided to write again after such a long time, finally inspired because for a nothing despicable period of 11 years, could be in contact with his angel, without the circumstances of life separating them again.

Without knowing what to say or do, he continued to look intensely at Aziraphale, losing himself in the moment, slowly encouraging himself to express his feelings at that moment, face to face and not through letters. But any attempt or desire to do so was instantly truncated when Aziraphale turned to him, returning him to a reality where that was impossible.

_"It must have been the fault of alcohol,"_ Crowley told himself, trying to blame the wine for those longing thoughts he had long wanted to carry out. Without saying a word, he said goodbye, but before that, he hid the letter in an armchair.

_"I hope he can finally read it,"_ the redhead thought as he left the place, optimistic that Aziraphale will found the letter and read it, finally responding to one of his letters.

Too bad that that letter would follow the path of its predecessors and would not be read by the addressee, that the vicissitudes and turns that life gives would cause that letter to be lost in the immense library of the angel, unable to be found for a long time.

Such a pity.


	21. 🟔 Little love notes (Or something like that) 🟔

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Letters from Crowley and Aziraphale during the time they took care of the supposed antichrist.

**Dear Angel:**

I'm writing to make sure that our plan to take care of the antichrist stills the same. I don't want you to be like the other angels and back down, afraid of what might happen. If you have any problem, don't hesitate to call me, I will give you instructions and I'll be there for you... For the sake of our task, of course.

I don't even know how are we going to do this, but believe me, I'm going to do it, we're going to do it, we will go against this "ineffable" plan. Pure nonsense! The destruction of the world is not necessary, and surely you, with your angelic influence, will put the antichrist "on the right track", don't doubt your ability because I know you can do it. Don't tell anyone, but I fully trust you, I'd trust you with my life if it was necessary.

** _Sincerely,_ **

Anthony J. Crowley

**Dear Crowley:**

Oh, dear! Your words ... have made me very happy, although I regret not being able to say the same about you, you are a demon, after all, I shouldn’t trust you ... however, I do, let me tell you, you are a good demon.

And don't worry, I won't back down with our little "task", but let me tell you that we won't try to stop the ineffable plan, and don't make fun of it, I know it's hard to understand, but the ineffable plan is simply... that, ineffable, difficult to understand even for us angels.

I have to go, dear, but this is not goodbye, of course not, we will keep in touch.

** _Stay safe!_ **

Aziraphale Z. Fell

**Dear Angel:**

Don't ever say that I am good because I am not! I'm a demon I'm supposed to be bad, so don't say anything else about that. I am a demon and you are an angel. A very stubborn angel, by the way, how do you still dare to defend God and his plans that are simply stupid? Heaven's things I'll never understand, I guess.

Also, before I forget it, what will we do about the antichrist? How will we keep an eye on the brat for 11 years? Remember that he is the "son" of an important politician, so he will always be guarded. A great fail to our plan, doesn't it? We will solve it, don't worry.

** _Until next time,_ **

Anthony J. Crowley

**Dear Crowley:**

As you said, the child will always be guarded, so I think we can become workers to be close to the boy, isn't it a good idea? How about?

And about what you said in your previous letter, I don't want to start a fight about God's plans, not at this time dear, where we should be together and not separated. The least I want is to fight with you.

Good luck. Please stay safe. Please let me know that you are fine.

** _Sincerely,_ **

Aziraphale Z. Fell

**Dear Angel:**

That idea ... It's just great, angel! There is no doubt that you are the smartest of all angels! Although let me tell you, it is easy to overcome in intelligence that ball of dumbass, but, even so, you are the smartest, you read a lot, surely those idiots don't even know what a book is.

But I have to tell you, angel, that the sad truth is that the truth is sad, why do I tell you this, angel? Because you blindly trust in heaven, but at any moment they will betray you.

We will keep in touch until we are close to the antichrist, do you think so? And what do you think of doing to take care of the boy?

** _Sincerely,_ **

Anthony J. Crowley

**Dear Crowley:**

I have some ideas to be close to the antichrist, but I'll tell you when we're face to face, I don't want to take a risk.

And I know that you hold a certain resentment towards heaven because you are a demon and all that involve, but I know that heaven would never dare to betray and harm an angel, that is simply unthinkable.

We will keep in touch, don't worry about that, dear, and take care, please.

** _We will talk very soon,_ **

Aziraphale Z. Fell

**Dear Angel:**

A nanny and a gardener! And you will be the gardener! Do you realize that I know more about plants than you? You will end up killing them before the end of the day, no offense. And me, take care of that brat? Do you realize that he is the son of Satan?

But I guess it's the only thing we have, isn't it? We will have to work with that, although I don't know why you declined my idea that I was the gardener's wife, that would not raise suspicion, but hey, your words are my orders, there is nothing I can do to change it.

And before finishing this letter, let me tell you, I have no grudge against heaven, in fact, I am grateful, now I am no longer surrounded by a bunch of hypocrites with fake smiles. I wonder how long it will take you to realize the truth.

** _Talk to you soon,_ **

Anthony J. Crowley

**Dear Crowley:**

I don't know why you insisted so much on the idea of the gardener's wife, but you're right, we can't change anything anymore. You will be the nanny and I will be the gardener, although honestly, I am offended by the fact that you think I am not able to take care of some seedlings, it will be easy, I assure you.

Although I'm nervous, I don't know if everything will work out, I hope so, on this depends on the destiny of humanity. But no, I'm not afraid, I'm just rationally worried.

I hope everything goes well, I really hope so.

** _My best wishes,_ **

Aziraphale Z. Fell

**Dear Angel:**

Everything will be fine, I assure you, and if not, I will be there for you. Just screw your courage to the sticking place, there is not much to start working with the child and it is important to be focused on what we are going to do, don't worry, everything will be fine.

** _Beware,_ **

Anthony J. Crowley

**Dear Crowley:**

That phrase ... That's Macbeth! It's not like that? I knew you read, even if it was just a little.

I just wanted to write to thank you for the letter you wrote me, it cheers me up too much, it was as if in a short paragraph, all the fear I felt had vanished.

** _Stay safe,_ **

Aziraphale Z. Fell

**Dear Angel:**

I don't know what you think about me that you got surprised because I know something about Shakespeare, do you think I’m stupid? I've been living on earth the same as you, I know the same as you know, but of course, you'll always be the smartest of the two.

And speaking about the brat, we already met him, and let me tell you that he looks like an average child, he likes me to sing to him before he sleeps and he is naughty, but only that. Will this be the future destroyer of worlds?

Meanwhile, I will have to see for 5 long years the abominations that you do to plants. That's not how you take care of a plant!

** _Until next time,_ **

Anthony J. Crowley

**Dear Crowley:**

And if we continue with our task, the boy will only be a normal child and nothing more, nothing of the end of the world or destruction! He will be a kind and caring boy, no matter how hard you try to influence him.

I admit, gardening is not something for me, but I hope you can help me out, it would be very helpful. Without fear of sinning proudly, I can say that one of my talents is baking, not only eating them but making them, I consider it an art.

That makes me wonder, what is your favorite dessert? Maybe I can cook it the next time we meet.

** _Please write soon,_ **

Aziraphale Z. Fell

**Dear Angel:**

If I'm completely honest, I'm not a dessert man, at all. Why would I get excited about an unpleasantly sweet cake or cake when I could eat a fit meal, a pasta, or a piece of meat covered in white sauce?

But I admit that I would like to meet you ... to talk about the antichrist, of course, I could also help you with your gardening problems. We meet at one.

** _Write soon,_ **

Anthony J. Crowley

**Dear Crowley:**

How dare you talk about cakes and candy that way?! I declare it treason! How can you prefer salty to sweet? I don’t understand. The only reason I eat is to be able to eat dessert, poor me, I think I'm in shock! How can I recover?

However, I will accept your ideas and prepare pasta for our next meeting, I will ensure that dinner is at your level.

** _Stay safe,_ **

Aziraphale Z. Fell

**Dear Angel:**

I must admit that, if you have a gift, not only in baking but also cooking in general, I can even say that it is a “divine” talent

Your food improved my mood, I must tell you I have been quite stressed in recent weeks, more with that brat that drives me crazy. Oh! He is the son of his father.

** _Until next time,_ **

Anthony J. Crowley

**Dear Crowley:**

Oh, darling! Your words praise me, I have always considered that a good meal can change the course of things, Pity that humans don't want to see it that way!

The evening with you was extremely lovely, I hope to spend more moments like that with you.

And speaking about Warlock, admit it! You like him, even just a little.

I have to go, my dear, the bookstore keeps me busy.

I look forward to your next letter.

** _Sincerely,_ **

Aziraphale Z. Fell

**Dear Angel:**

It would be better if we no longer communicate by letters, I suspect that hell has been interfering with the sending of letters and I don't want suspicions about us.

From now on, we will meet in different parts of London, in a cautious way that does not raise suspicions. I hope it doesn't bother you.

** _Stay safe,_ **

Anthony J. Crowley

**Dear Crowley:**

Oh yes of course, just take care and don't get into trouble.

** _All the best,_ **

Aziraphale Z. Fell

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.

.

**Dear Crowley:**

Crowley, I have to admit, I'm afraid. I am full of uncertainty. Warlock is about to turn eleven, which means the end of the world is near. I hope not, I hope all our effort has not been in vain.

You are so confident, but that does not prevent fear from taking over me. I don't know what will happen in the next few days and that frustrates me. I know you told me years ago to stop sending you letters, but this is the only way I can express everything I feel, I don't want you to think I'm a coward because I'm not, I'm ready to face the consequences, but I’m still having... fear, I'm afraid, maybe irrational or maybe not but the point is I'm scared.

Your words are the only ones that can calm me down. I hope everything goes well.

** _Until next time,_ **

Aziraphale Z. Fell


	22. 🟔 Crowley's notes 🟔

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There is nothing left to do or say. I guess this is the end between us. A story that did not even have the opportunity to start.
> 
> Have a happy doomsday.

**Dear Angel:**

Don't fear, we have done this work for 11 years, it's not like if we had mistaken and we've done something wrong, of course not. And if for some reason everything fails, we can escape, both of us, together, as far as possible.

** _Sincerely,_ **

Anthony J. Crowley

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**Dear Angel:**

Shit, shit, shit. I'm a stupid. Taking care of the wrong child during all this time! And now the genuine antichrist is out there, not knowing the thoughts that run through his mind, prepared to end humanity.

We have to do something. Yes, you and I have to do something, after all, we are the greatest team there's ever been. I trust you and therefore I trust myself, we'll find the true antichrist. Have hope, little angel!

** _Sincerely,_ **

Anthony J. Crowley

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**Dear Angel:**

Okay, maybe I'm a little scared, but that doesn't mean I'm going turn back. We are smart (well, you are the smart one) we will find a way to locate the antichrist.

But, if everything goes wrong, let me remind you of my offer to escape together. Alpha Centauri seems like a good place, what do you think?

** _Sincerely,_ **

Anthony J. Crowley

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**Dear Angel:**

I know where the antichrist is.

I lied. I have no idea where it can be.

I just needed to write to you. You and the letters I have written to you is the only thing that has kept me sane. I'm a demon, Okay, and my only purpose is to make temptations, but when I'm with you, Oh! The way you make me feel is something I can't even describe.

Waiting for you is hard, you know? But that doesn't matter to me, even if you are cruel and give me hope doesn't matter to me, I rather live longing for something that can never be to be insensitive to everything around me. I'd rather die loving than live without loving. I love you more than I thought would be possible.

I don't know what can happen in the next few days, maybe we can't even save humanity, that's why I tell myself, they're only humans, honestly, they don't matter to me, not when I have to choose between them and you, because I would choose you without hesitation.

** _Completely yours,_ **

Anthony J. Crowley

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**Dear Angel:**

First of all, how dare you! I have loved you from the moment I met you, I have taken care of you, I have protected you, you have me on my knees in front of you, pledging your eternal love even if you never correspond to me.

And now you tell me that we are not even friends.

It is a very strange feeling of loneliness when someone you care about becomes a stranger. Because that is what you have become for me. In a stranger, in our fight, I didn’t recognize you as the being that I have been in love with for millennia but as an ordinary angel, who doesn't care about others, only interested in doing his job well. That is not your Aziraphale, that is not my angel.

There is nothing left to do or say. I guess this is the end between us. A story that did not even have the opportunity to start.

Have a happy doomsday.

** _Always yours,_ **

Anthony J. Crowley

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**Dear Angel:**

I don't want your forgiveness. I want you.

And if I don't have you, for me it's enough to you be well, to you be sure. If everything shattered into ash and you were saved, I could continue to exist; and if everything else perished and you left, the entire universe would become totally strange to me.

I go far enough from the world, but that does not mean that I am not sorry to leave you here, it's when I think how much I will miss you!

Yesterday I wanted to tell you everything I felt, what I had been keeping inside of me for years, but I simply couldn't do it... there was so much to say and we just didn't have the time... therefore I confess it here... Aziraphale, I want you to know that you have always been, are and will be the love of my life.

I must also confess that I am afraid ... a lot of fear of what might happen. I don't know how things will be, and I don't know if we'll ever see each other again, but I can assure you that your memory will always be with me as long as I live. But deep inside me, I feel that this has been the farewell to us ... the last goodbye.

I will love you if I never see you again, and I will love you even if I see you every day. But then I wonder how is it that we are here, face to face and cannot be? That is our tragedy, or, rather, my tragedy, because I have long since resigned myself to knowing that you will never love me the way I do.

I fear to lose you, more than I already lost you.

** _With love,_ **

Anthony J. Crowley

A simple demon

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The letter weighed inside his jacket as if instead of carrying a simple envelope, he carried stones in his pockets.

He kept driving as fast as he could, the only one he asked for was a last chance, to be together as far as they could, happy and free.

For a moment, for a little but wonderful moment, he let himself be carried away by fantasy, imagining what a dream life with his angel would be like, both waking up in the same bed, he spending all day in the garden while Aziraphale read books and drank tea to be together at the end of the day, loving each other as the humans love each other, without any restrictions.

For a moment, he forgot that they were hours from the end of the world and that their future was uncertain, but that didn't matter, he was carried away by a dream that deep down he knew it was impossible.

But the column of smoke that he saw in the distance woke him from his entelechy, his heart was paralyzed as he begged to heaven (Yes, to the heaven itself!) That the pessimistic vision that formed in his head was not the reality.

It's such a pity God has long stopped hearing his prayers a long time ago.


	23. 🟔 You're gone 🟔

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aziraphale darling, dearest, dead.  
I'm sorry.  
I'm sorry.  
I'm sorry.  
I wish I loved you enough.

**London, 2017**

**Dear Angel:**

Aziraphale darling, dearest, dead.

I fervently wish you were alive and well, but there is no going back. You're gone. Our love broke my heart and stopped yours.

Living without you. That is something I can't do.

When we were together I felt breathless.

And now you are.

Summer without you is as cold as winter.

Winter without you is even colder.

I can only tell you ...

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I wish I loved you enough.

My heart is not mine, anymore. You have crawled into me, Aziraphale; You have made a home in the cavity of my chest, and you have taken every last piece of my heart and made it yours. Always, as I have always been, completely and totally yours. You complete me.

I can't help thinking what it would have been if we had left, if we had run away without even looking back, I would have taken you to the stars, we would be both in Alpha Centauri, alone, free and happy. Every day, waking up in the same bed, me working in the garden and you reading, every breakfast, every lunch, every dinner, together, I’d express all the love I feel and you would accept them without fear or doubt.

Believe me, when I tell you that not see you again, being with you, talking to you, it hurts me a little more every day.

All this is over. You were the perfect partner for me. You were closer to me than anyone. And so, when I had to leave you, I realized that I couldn't do it. I couldn't let you go.

We were meant to be together. You found me once, and then you found me again, somehow, you always find me. That doesn't just "happen." There was something that meant us to meet. From the first moment we met in the garden of Eden, but even then, although I refused to accept it, I knew that I should spend an eternity with you.

Even if you always refused to admit it, we were always friends. Well, I'm absolutely sure that we could have become much more. You challenged me, you complemented me, you comforted me, you changed my life for the better. Yes, sometimes you were the person I needed to stop me, but above all, you were the person I needed.

Before saying goodbye, tell you what you already know, that I love you, that I love you. You must also know that I'm thinking about you and that when I die, we'll finally be together. I won't accept no for an answer. Don't think that it won't be possible because I'll go to hell and you to heaven, because, honestly, my dear, I don't give a damn. I'll already be there waiting for you, and we will spend eternity in purgatory.

So I want to tell you this, finally. I loved you, and I am sure that even when I have left this world, I'll still love you, so much with every part of my being. You once told me that you would be with me forever, and you can tell you that I wanted that more than anything in the world. I'm very sorry that our time together has been so short (Although others say that 6000 years is a short time), but I just needed you to know that you are brilliant and the most important person in the entire universe (particularly for me).

And one day, if I'm lucky, I'll see you again.

** _My eternal love,_ **

Anthony J. Crowley

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.

Crowley took the letter in his hands. Some parts were blurry and illegible, tears had taken care of it.

He stared at the letter 2, 3, 5 minutes and more as if doing so were the only good thing he had left in life (and that, somehow, it was).

And so, he abruptly hugged the letter, placing it as close to his heart as he could. More tears slid down his still wet cheeks, falling until it lost in the blackness of her clothes as he clung to the letter fiercely as if at some point it could be snatched away, just as they had taken everything good from his world.

Tears, alcohol, and pain, worst possible combination for a mournful demon, who preferred to drown in alcohol before seeking to save himself from the impending end of the world, after all, he had no reason to stay alive anymore.

He refused to separate from the letter, that epistle became the only true proof that Aziraphale had lived, and had been loved, the rest had taken by the fire.

Finally, resigning himself to his destiny, he put the letter in his jacket for the first time, without the uncertainty of knowing if the letter would be read or not, the recipient had left forever.

He was about to continue drowning in the sorrows of alcohol, when he was startled to see a diaphanous and ghostly figure in front of him, smiling and greeting him as if nothing had happened.

"Aziraphale..."


	24. 🟔 The very first day of the rest of our lives 🟔

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To this day I don't understand the effect you have on me, angel, I need you as much as the night needs the stars. I need you terribly.  
Please, I don't want to waste any more time. I love you.

**London, 2017**

**Dear Angel:**

Ugh, what a day! isn't? It seems millennia have passed since then when only hours have passed. Well, avoiding the end of the world is not an easy thing.

Now we are free, angel, Free! We don't have to answer to anyone anymore, we aren't forced to do anything we don't want, no obligations, reprimands, nothing! How many times have we wanted this? How many times have you wanted this?

I'm not going to miss anything from hell, I hope it's the same with you and heaven. I was there, angel, I hated how they treated you as if you were a criminal, how can they hate someone as good and pure as you? You, so good, noble, kind, full of love, I had to make a tremendous effort to avoid pouncing on Gabriel, how could he treat you like this?!

Fortunately, you don't have to go back there anymore.

To be honest, totally honest, I almost died when I thought you were gone, nothing would have been the same without you. No more dinners at the Ritz, sustained conversations, walks in St. James, nothing. I had given up everything, I had nothing to fight for, nothing that made my long life worthwhile.

I feared that all my life would be summed up in that, to live without you, to have lost you forever. Losing you, I would go crazy, I almost went crazy.

I'm happy that everything has back to normal (Well, as normal as it can be for us) I'm happy you are here with me.

The time you left, in which I knew nothing about you, was a true hell and all that only confirmed one thing to me, that I'm so in love with you, enough to face and challenge the heaven and hell just so you were fine. But that's nothing because I would kill for you, I would die for you, and I would also resurrect for you.

To this day I don't understand the effect you have on me, angel, I need you as much as the night needs the stars. I need you terribly.

Now that we are free, that neither you nor I have anything to fear, I'm determined to love you, as I told you, we’re free and now I'm going to court you, I'm going to show how much I love you. I want to take this slowly because I think this could be something great.

Please, I don't want to waste any more time. I love you.

Really, I'm not playing, I would never play with this, I'm really in love with you, completely and hopelessly in love with you, I love you with every fiber of my being, with everything I am, I love you.

I've always loved you, and I'm so stupid for not telling you face to face.

But not anymore.

I can’t lose you.

I can't risk losing you again.

You are the most beautiful dream I have ever had, so perfect, so gorgeous, so ... Aziraphale.

I know that I'm not really good at this whole thing, but you are the most glorious thing that ever happened to me and I just want to say that no matter what happens, I'm still here. Even if you need someone to do something stupid with or if you just need someone to make you laugh, I'll be there for you, I'll stay here.

** _Always yours (If you let me),_ **

Anthony J. Crowley

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.

.

.

.

Aziraphale woke up in the low sunlight that seeped through his window. He blinked a few times to get used to the light and got up, ready to start the day's work.

He was not a big fan of sleeping, but after stopping the end of the world and almost dying in the attempt, even an immortal and celestial being like him needed a rest. But he was not very lazy and needed to return to his daily activities as soon as possible to feel useful.

He spent most of the morning in his bookstore, had breakfast, organized some of his books, drank tea and entertained himself with a new reading. When he opened one of the curtains, he saw how the sky had turned gray, full of clouds and how small drops began to fall, crashing into the glass of his window and sliding over it.

He was about to turn to another book when he felt a huge need to go to the door and open it. When he did, he saw that at the entrance of his bookstore a figure dressed in black was cowered.

_"Crowley"_ thought immediately and had just finished thinking that, when the figure rose abruptly before him and looked at him intensely. There was his favorite demon, totally soaked in the rain, in one of his hands he carried an envelope, which was surprisingly dry despite the rain and on the other hand, a bouquet of roses?!

"Crowley ..." he muttered completely stunned.

"Angel! "The demon interrupted him. "Just..." and extended the envelope in his hand. Aziraphale remained static where he was, not knowing what to do or say.

"Read it, please," he implored. The supplication was present in his eyes and Aziraphale couldn't help feeling some tenderness towards him, perhaps it contributed the fact that he was totally soaked, the bouquet of roses and the pitiful look that reminded him of a puppy.

"Come in, Crowley," he said, heading to his living room. He took the envelope and opened it. It was a letter. A letter with beautiful calligraphy, he had to admit. He looked at the demon, who looked at him totally anxious, something not typical of him.

"I don't want to leave," he said. "Not until you read the letter, I think we have a lot to talk about after that."

Aziraphale said nothing more, sat on the couch and began to read the letter. The demon, meanwhile, began to walk around the place, nervous.

Aziraphale, read and reread every part of the letter, unable to believe what it said, without believing how the devil turned all his feelings towards him in the form of letters. He felt the desire to cry in some places, he didn't know why. It was too much for him; he didn't understand it. It had revealed a great truth to him and he didn't know how to react.

When he felt that it was enough to read the letter, his hands were shaking and his heart was beating too hard, crashing aggressively against his chest.

He felt a lump in his throat that would not allow him to speak, he just looked in the direction of the demon and the redhead stopped walking. As if he had been given an order, he sat in front of him and stared at him intently, waiting for what he was going to say.

When at last the lump in his throat allowed him to speak, he said only three words that destroyed all the demon's hope:

"Go away, Crowley."


	25. 🟔 Letters to Crowley 🟔

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "What are you afraid of?" Asked a voice in his head.  
"About what can happen," he replied.   
"You are lying," said the voice in response.

Candlelight helped him read what was written in the letter, but he had no strength to read it again. I had already read it more than 100 times and could not do it again.

Aziraphale took off his glasses. His eyes were red from the tears that had been released when the demon left the library dragging his feet.

He felt a strong tightness in his chest and guilt dominated his whole being. It hurt him as he had destroyed the hopes of a demon that all he had done was love him for 6000 years, but he was afraid to know what it would mean to correspond those feelings.

"I did... I didn't want to ..." he sobbed. He put the letter aside and began to fiddle with one of the roses in the bouquet that the demon had left before leaving saying that he was well, that he completely understood Aziraphale's answer.

_"He lied,"_ Aziraphale thought. He looked at the place where the demon had been sitting a few hours ago, his face full of hope, waiting for a positive response to his feelings, for everything to end well between them. Such a pity it wasn't like that.

He closed his eyes, trying to keep more tears from flowing through his eyes. He hurt Crowley. He should talk to him, but not now, not until he is sure of what he feels. It'd be unfair to go to him and promise him something that is not real.

_"What are you afraid of?"_ Asked a voice in his head_. "About what can happen,"_ he replied. _"You are lying,"_ said the voice in response.

He had challenged heaven and hell himself and there is he, fearing in the future, feared beyond any celestial or infernal force. He didn't want to ruin everything good between them.

_"But, if you didn't ruin anything for 6000 years, why do you expect to ruin it now?"_ His inner voice questioned. That was all Aziraphale needed, got up and went to his desk. He took pen and paper and began to express all his feelings. To write his own deliverance.

.

.

.

.

.

**London, 2017**

**Dear Crowley:**

Forgive me, seriously, forgive me for all the harsh words and bad things I could've said or done. Never, never and never I meant all that because the reality is that... I was afraid.

Yes, I was afraid. All doubts, fears, uncertainties and misgivings mixed in my head, making me thought that it wasn't real, that it was only a way to play with my feelings, that you are a demon and that you would always be and that you would never love me in the way I do, because, Crowley, I love you.

I love you in a way that I never thought an angel could feel for someone else. I thought it was wrong, that I couldn't feel love, desire, and affection for anything other than heaven, I thought it was a sin, How ridiculous! Isn't? Love is not a sin. But, even so, I was afraid of... them. I feared that I'd be judged, that I'd be considered a traitor, but now that my greatest fear has come true, I realized something. I don't care.

I thought my life was meaningless, that all my existence was summed up to work miracles and to wait for the end of the world, but you changed everything, you gave me security and protection when I feared, you saved me without asking anything in return, can you imagine how much that was for my poor heart in love? I was afraid that you wouldn't feel the love I felt for you but that letter you wrote to me made me realize that you could even love me more than I love you and it hurts me to have rejected you hard several times just because I was afraid.

Crowley, I love you and more than love you I love you, and I want there to be a "Us", in every sense of the word because it's you, it's always been you whom I've loved.

You have kept me right when I've hesitated. But I won't hesitate now. Not anymore. You make me feel alive, you make my heart racing, you take my breath away, you made me do several crazy and ridiculous things, you made me angry, you made me laugh, you gave me a sense, you made me feel that I meant something to you. And I'm not going to let all that go to waste.

I'm here and from now on, I will always be here, because this is where I want to be, next to you. You are, positively, the most incorrigible, the most aggravating and the most gorgeous man I've ever met. And I don't think I loved anyone as much as I love you now.

I promise you that I won't longer fear. I don't care about heaven any more. You've said it! We're free! And even if I had to choose between you and heaven, I'd choose you. I know it can be very hard to believe, but I'm choosing you, Okay? And I'm going to stop doubting because I found you, you give me all the strength and security I need, and that's why I choose you.

Maybe I'm not very good with the words of love as I thought it would be, but that the effect you provoke on me, stupid demon, you make me nervous, you are so thundering that you can bring me to my knees just by winking, I'm sure you know the effect you have on others, but let me let you know that my heart is only yours.

It took me a long time to realize that no one in this world is better for me than you. You have been for me for over 6000 years and I swear I will reward you. I promise you, dear, that we will recover all the lost time.

You are in my thoughts and my dreams. You are my life.

If this is not enough for you (which I think it will be) I want you to know that you are and will always be my Crowley, my demon. I love you.

** _With love,_ **

Aziraphale Z. Fell

A stupid that I hope someday you can forgive.

.

.

.

.

.

Aziraphale feared to knock on the door. He was totally stunned in front of the demon's apartment. Doubting between knocking on the door or running away as quickly as possible. from there.

_"But I won't longer doubt,"_ he repeated. He knocked on the door a couple of times, almost wishing no one answered.

"Go away," said a hoarse voice. There were pain and irritation in his tone.

Aziraphale felt his heart broke at that. "Yes, I think it's better, I won't bother..."

But before he could turn around, the door opened and a very surprised Crowley looked at him from the doorframe.

"Aziraphale," he said, and there is heartbreaking relief in the way he is looking at him.

_"This is ridiculous, I'm making me miserable and I'm making him miserable, this has to stop,"_ Aziraphale told himself.

The angel had to put all his feelings aside to stay calm. He just extended the envelope he had in his hand. "I think you have to read this," he said. The demon took the envelope and before he could say anything, Aziraphale turned and left, leaving the demon stunned in the door frame while the blond walked away wishing with all his heart that everything would work.

[…]

It had been only a few hours since Aziraphale had left the letter in Crowley's apartment and anxiety invaded him. He couldn't even concentrate on his reading and the tea he drank didn't work at all.

He began to walk around the place while his legs were shaking. Although Crowley was in full right to do so, he was afraid of being rejected, he had ruined it even before it began.

He felt he was about to cry before the door of his bookshop opened abruptly and the demon entered. He wasn't wearing his glasses and was looking desperately for the angel.

When he found him, he headed for him quickly, stumbling around the place. He took Aziraphale by the arms while looking at him intensely.

"I love you," Crowley told him. "But what about you?" Aziraphale, what do you feel?

Aziraphale didn't know what to say, on the one hand, he wanted to kiss and hug the demon, to promise him eternal love and to have a wonderful life next to him, but, on the other hand, reality hit him in the face, that fear and anxiety towards the future made him doubt.

"Aziraphale ..." the redhead whispered. "Aziraphale, please tell the truth ..."

The demon's pleading tone made Aziraphale's heartache, he really wanted to tell him how much he loved him, to allow himself to be happy with him... And he would do it, he would risk everything for his happiness.

"You love me Aziraphale, you love me as much as I love you ..." The demon began to sob, releasing all the sadness and sorrow he felt and that until then he had not allowed himself to show. He was about to fall to his knees, completely defeated when he felt a warm hand on his face, cleaning the small drops that slid down his cheeks with affection and delicacy that only an angel could do.

"I love you, Crowley, I love you with all my soul, but I'm afraid, I'm afraid to don't work, to be happy." Crowley looked up and his amber and now crystalline eyes collided with the pupils of the angel, who kept talking. "I love you from the beginning, from always..."

Crowley smiled weakly. He looked at those blue eyes that captivated him, those who, together with their owner, was his strength and his weakness. "I don't know what I did to deserve you, seriously." He murmured softly, stroking the blond hair of the angel with adoration. "Tomorrow you can say that we're just friends, but tonight, don't say anything." That said, he slowly approached the angel's face until only a few centimeters separated the blonde's lips from his.

Aziraphale was silent for a moment, it was all or nothing if this didn't recuperate Crowley it would no longer make sense to continue. Before Crowley got closer, he broke away abruptly and could glimpse a wounded gesture in the redhead's gaze. "Before you continue, my dear, will you let me be by your side?" He laughed and then he realized that like the devil, he was crying. "All eternity?"

The demon remained silent, looking at him with a silly smile on his face. Before Crowley's silence, Aziraphale despaired a little. The blond became nervous but an instant later Crowley shed a lot of tears and showed his biggest smile and looking at him with happiness painted on his face he said: "I love you..."

Crowley approached Aziraphale and held him in his arms as he had been wishing for a long time. "I love you, I love you," the demon repeated. "Of course I want to have you in my life, always, always." He took his face and stared into his eyes. "All my damn life."

"Good," said Aziraphale. "Because that's how I want it to be."

"Now come here and let me kiss you."

But Aziraphale not only lets Crowley kiss him, but he kisses him back with everything he has. It feels good.

They both know that this is not the end, it's only the beginning...


	26. 🟔 Love letters between an angel and a demon 🟔

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How many times you dreamed about this, you and I together, loving each other?
> 
> .
> 
> .
> 
> .
> 
> .
> 
> Every night, even when it seemed impossible.

**Dear Angel:**

In case it wasn't clear enough, I'm in love with you.

I've loved and dreamed of kissing you nearly from the first moment I met you. And I only love you more and more every day I see you.

Tomorrow I'll wake up, I'll say good morning and I'll kiss you as I've always wanted to do. And I'll tell you everything I've always wanted to say. I'm done living with lies.

** _Sincerely yours,_ **

Anthony J. Crowley

**Dear Demon:**

I love you, Crowley and I've always loved you. I have loved you and you have loved me just we never had the chance to love each other at the same time in a world where we had our hands tied. But not anymore.

It was impossible for us to love each other in the way we wanted, or perhaps it wasn't our time yet, but that doesn't mean that all the moments I've lived with you haven't been amazing.

We have loved each other even without the other knowing. Even though we have never been together as... a couple. I don't regret any second of our friendship and I won't regret any second as a couple.

** _With love,_ **

Aziraphale Z. Fell

**Dear Angel:**

But now is our time. Angel, I'm so in love with you. That is the truth, it's the truth now and it was the truth before and I hope it always be, you can believe it or not. No matter what you think, that's the sincerest thing I've said in life. All my feelings for you are authentic, never doubt that.

** _Completely yours,_ **

Anthony J. Crowley

**Dear Demon:**

Oh, I really adore you. I love your face crinkles when you smile (And more when you smile at me), your way of being, your temper, the way you make me feel, the way you always care about me, your voice, your eyes, your gaze, all of you. I really love you and I'll dedicate myself day and night to love you as you have done with me since day one.

** _With all my heart,_ **

Aziraphale Z. Fell

**Dear Angel:**

You adore me. You can't deny it.

** _Sincerely,_ **

Anthony J. Crowley

**Dear Demon:**

I thought that was already clear, my dear. I love you enough to fall for love, only if you are there to catch me.

** _Heartily,_ **

Aziraphale Z. Fell

**Dear Angel:**

You’re right. It's so clear that you love me as much as I adore you. And I’ll be there for you, you should know that I won't go anywhere. I fought so much for you and I will never let you go; I rather die than lose you. I think the only fear I have is to lose you.

** _I love you,_ **

Anthony J. Crowley

**Dear Demon:**

And I hope you know that I won't go anywhere either. I wouldn't give up on you. And if something or someone wants to separate us, I will fight for you as much as you did for me. I'd give up an entire kingdom to be with you.

** _Totally yours,_ **

Aziraphale Z. Fell

**Dear Angel:**

Let there be no doubt, if I had to feel everything I lived and suffered for your love again, I would do it without hesitation, as long as I knew we would be as happy as we are now.

** _I love you,_ **

Anthony J. Crowley

**Dear Demon:**

How many times you dreamed about this, you and I together, loving each other?

** _With love,_ **

Aziraphale Z. Fell

**Dear Angel:**

Every night, even when it seemed impossible. All the letters I've written to you are witnesses of it.

** _With adoration,_ **

Anthony J. Crowley

**Dear Demon:**

Sorry to break with all the romanticism, dear, but, what letters are you talking about? There is only one, don't you remember?

** _Sincerely yours,_ **

Aziraphale Z. Fell

**Dear Angel:**

Oh, that doesn't matter now, angel, I'll make sure I love you, that's the only certain thing.

_Do your thing, I will do my thing._

** _With love,_ **

Anthony J. Crowley

**Dear Demon:**

All my life I've been looking for you and I didn't even know it, where have you been?

** _Totally yours,_ **

Aziraphale Z. Fell

**Dear Angel:**

Right here. Waiting for you.

** _Completely yours,_ **

Anthony J. Crowley

.

.

.

.

.

Crowley took another drag of his cigar. He hasn’t smoked for a long time, but now he needed it more than ever. More than ever.

He hit his desk hard, hard enough to drop some things. He was angry, no, he was furious, oh yes! Not even the word "furious" was enough to describe the anger that boiled inside him, he couldn't even speak of how choleric he was.

He picked up the phone that was on his desk and dialed the necessary numbers. While listening to the waiting tone, he pressed the phone in his hand so hard that he was sure it would leave a mark.

When he finally heard someone answering his call, a devious and tortuous smile formed on his face.

"Hey, Crowley speaking, I’m calling for a pending issue with some... lost letters," he said, pronouncing each word slowly with the threat present in his voice.

And all hell got frozen over to hear the voice of the demon Crowley asking for the letters, pledging to suffer to whoever was responsible for not being able to be with his angel a long time ago.


	27. 🟔 Letters that shouldn't be read 🟔

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Go, enjoy your partner and never return to hell or get involved with them... And don't make the same mistakes I did,"

Before Satan himself, no demon has cause that effect in hell. Walking as if he were the owner of the place with a huge aura of fury and fierceness surrounding him, causing any demon that crossed his path to quickly draw away, after all, no one wanted to growth the rage of traitor Crowley, a demon dangerous enough to survive holy water.

"You!" He exclaimed abruptly, pointing to a random demon "Take me to see Satan." He ordered him.

The demon, against his demonic nature, just trembled and babble in fear. Crowley rolled his eyes in annoyance and prepared to continue looking for the king of hell but before he could do anything, a powerful voice echoed through all the halls of hell.

"Crowley!"

If silence had already taken over hell, that thunderous voice only made the sound cease to exist in the underworld, it could even hear a pin drop.

In front of the red-haired demon appeared a tall and thin man, dressed in an elegant black suit and owner of penetrating green eyes and abundant black hair. There was the lord of hell, Satan, more human than ever.

"Crowley," he greeted him coldly.

"Satan," he greeted him in the same way, trying to pretend indifference despite being facing the Lord of all evil.

"I heard you want to talk to me, haven't you?" He spoke in a hoarse and manly voice, the one that made his subordinate have great respect for him.

"Yes," Crowley said flatly.

"Then follow me." And with a nod, he told him to follow him, leaving the hallway full of paralyzed and frightened demons by the presence and interaction of two of the most powerful and frightening demons in hell.

[…]

Satan's office was just a great, almost empty room that in some way reminded him of his apartment. The most luxurious thing that could be found there was a huge and intricate golden throne, where the dark-haired demon sat down, giving him an even more ruthless appearance.

"Sit down Crowley," Satan invited him, invoking a chair.

Crowley remained stoic in his place, refusing to do anything the maleficent one could say.

"I see you don't trust me," Satan said, letting out a long breath.

"I'm not such an idiot," the redhead replied defensively.

The dark-haired twisted his face in a grimace of annoyance before continuing to speak. "I thought that, on leaving hell, I would never see you again."

"What happened to the letters ?!" Demanded the demon with an angry gesture that surprised Satan himself.

"What letters are you talking about?"

"Don't play innocent!" He cried in a broken voice due to the fury. "I'm talking about the letters I wrote to my angel and he never received." To that point, he had a trembling voice and struggled to prevent tears of helplessness from rising from his eyes.

Satan formed a small mischievous smile on his face. "Oh, Crowley ..." He paused a little. "Or at least I hope you're Crowley this time. I wouldn't like to have an angelic being walking through my halls again."

The fear that Crowley made the demons feel was manifested in him multiplied a thousand times. He never thought that Satan would realize the trick he and Aziraphale had done to escape from heaven and hell. He was shocked and now he feared the consequences that could have for him and his angel.

"How…"

"Don't fear," Satan said with a small laugh that surprised Crowley. "I don't plan to punish you, in fact, I admire you."

Crowley believed he was dreaming; this was too surreal to be true.

"What I mean ..." Satan continued when he saw the stunned face of his ex-subordinate. "It's that not everyone dares to disobey the designs of powerful beings and rebel against a plan older than life itself just for ...Love?"

Crowley fell silent as he looked still stunned at the lord of hell. "The fact that you rebelled didn't make me hate you. Actually, I'm very proud of you." He finished.

The redhead felt a sense of relief invade him and weight will stop him from oppressing. His angel was safe, the rest didn't matter, though ...

"Then ..." he said, regaining the ability to speak. "Why did you interfere with sending letters?"

Satan let out another laugh "Crowley, do you really think that interfering in the relationship of a demon and an angel is the best thing I have to do?"

That statement destroyed all the arguments that the redhead could have, who, for the second time in the day, remained silent.

"But, I appreciate you, Crowley and that is why I will tell you who is guilty that you could not be with your angel," He said with a sneer, then rose from his throne and headed with an elegant step to the redhead. "Start with B and finish with –eelzebub"

"Beelzebub!" Crowley exclaimed as he felt the fury go through his veins again. "That ... damn ... I'm going to ...!" He couldn’t even speak because of the anger he felt.

"But..." Satan interrupted. "I don't think Beelzebub did it alone. I think he had some heavenly help... "

Now Crowley felt he was going to kill someone "Don't tell me...! Don't tell me... If it's that... stupid of ... G ...

"If you're going to kill Gabriel, could you send me pictures?" Satan replied. "I always like to see one of mine attack an archangel, I find it extremely exciting.

"What will happen to Beelzebub?" Crowley asked unsuccessfully trying to calm down.

"Will you really focus on that now?" Asked Satan with annoyance.

"Why not? That is what he deserves…” The king of hell silenced him again with a hand gesture.

"Look, you have the opportunity to be with who you love for all eternity, and are you only worried about revenge?" He asked.

"No ..." Crowley murmured without actually knowing what to say.

"Go, enjoy your partner and never return to hell or get involved with them, time will take care of others," he said. "And don't make the same mistakes I did," He whispered, but still the redhead reached hear it.

"What did you say?" He asked.

"You are not the only demon who ever fell in love with an angel, you know?" He winked and a lot of letters and envelopes fell in front of him. Crowley took it quickly, admired it as if it were a treasure and kept it stealthily in his jacket.

Before he could do anything else, he heard how Satan snapped his fingers and felt sudden dizziness that made him stumble. When he realized, he was in front of his angel's bookstore, it was the moment of truth.

.

.

.

.

.

**London, 2017**

**Dearest Angel:**

You know I would cross the whole hell for you, right? Because that is what I have done. You need to know the truth, I have loved you for more than 6000 years and there was no time where I doubted that.

You know that I am a man who never gave importance to nightmares because I live from dreams and expectations. And let me tell you, that, although it sounds too cheesy that in every dream you have been. Somehow you have always known how to reach my heart and I want you to be there always, next to me, and that the rest goes to hell!

There is a truth, but don't panic, that truth doesn't differ with everything I have told you, in fact, it complements it. You don’t know, nor I do, we don't know when we fell in love, as we knew it was love what we felt or when we learned that we were not enemies but friends yearning to be loved one day, but the letters I give you today try to approach that truth, and when you finish reading each one, I promise you that I will answer each one of your questions.

Here I am. Writing to you what I need to express. I always consider myself a coward for wanting to be able to say what I feel for you and just do it through writing. But I am not a coward. Maybe I was selfish, but not cowardly. I was selfish because I thought that keeping my feelings in the back of my heart would stop me from loving you, that would end my agony, but that only made my love grow more and more. Sometimes I feel I don't deserve you.

I regret that this letter is so short, but I think that everything I feel is best expressed by 6000 years of letters not received and lost.

** _Sincerely yours,_ **

Anthony J. Crowley

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.

.

.

.

Aziraphale finished reading the last letter and left it with the others. His eyes are red from so much crying; he didn't know or wanted to control all the torrent of emotions he felt.

"Oh, Crowley," he sighed as a huge smile formed on his face. Despite all the mix of emotions he felt, happiness completely dominated him Crowley loved him! And I never stop doing it. Although he felt guilty about how he had treated the demon with such disdain for years, he promised himself that he would reward every broken heart that had caused him to the demon.

The creak of the door made him wake up from his reverie and turned to see the demon, who was stunned at the door to see that all the letters had already been read.

Aziraphale got up from his chair and approached the demon. He frowned when he smelled the characteristic scent of whiskey and looked at the demon with reproach.

"I needed to take out my anger, I swear," he tried to defend himself, although deep down, Aziraphale didn't really care.

"Oh, Crowley," he said to suddenly hug the redhead, who was surprised by Aziraphale action, but who corresponded in the same way.

"If you have any questions ..." he murmured hoarsely to the angel's ear.

"No," he replied even without breaking the hug. "The letters have answered all my questions."

When the angel separated from the redhead, Crowley kissed him. A short kiss that ended all those incomplete phrases that were never read.

The blond blinked confused and pleased when he walked away.

"Consider it as another letter that you shouldn't have read, but that you did anyway."

Aziraphale laughed as he hid his flushed face on Crowley's shoulder, which like him laughed completely happy. Laughter and kisses with whiskey flavor, perfect resolution, and a wonderful new beginning.


	28. 🟔 Blinded by your grace 🟔

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Touch me. It's what I want the most.
> 
> .
> 
> Are you sure, Zira? 
> 
> . 
> 
> I may have been afraid before, but not anymore. 

**Dear Demon:**

My life colored when you looked at me. I had been so unhappy for so long, lost in the fog. I've wasted much time, Crowley, but I refuse to waste another second.

** _Completely yours,_ **

Aziraphale Z. Fell

**Dear Angel:**

Stay with me. I don't want you to go, not yet. Stay with me longer.

** _Sincerely yours,_ **

Anthony J. Crowley

**Dear Demon:**

I don't plan to go anywhere. Everything about you just makes me want to be by your side for longer. With you, the world makes sense now.

** _Eternally Yours,_ **

Aziraphale Z. Fell

**Dear Angel:**

This. I want this. You. All of you. I love you. You're the only thing that keeps me right.

** _Especially yours,_ **

Anthony J. Crowley

**Dear Demon:**

And if people talk, if heaven and hell find out, what shall we tell them?

** _All my Love,_ **

Aziraphale Z. Fell

**Dear Angel:**

That we are in love, that's what we'll tell them.

I mean, in some strange and weird way, we seem compatible, do you believe in fate?

** _Yours sincerely,_ **

Anthony J. Crowley

**Dear Demon:**

I don't know if I believe in destiny, my dear, but the only thing I am aware of is that I've always been yours, even if neither of us knew it.

I love you.

I adore you.

I want you.

If I kiss you right now I can never be in the same room as you without distractions. Kissing you would become everything I'd think until I could kiss you again.

** _Affectionately,_ **

Aziraphale Z. Fell

**Dear Angel:**

Oh, my Aziraphale! You will be an angel, but you are the only one who causes these many sinful thoughts in me. I know I am a demon and I'm supposed to think like that, but the simple thought of trying to stain your purity simply terrifies me.

But if you want, if this is what you desire, please let me touch you. If you're going to keep tormenting me in my dreams, at least let me torment you in return, I beg you.

** _Your devoted lover,_ **

Anthony J. Crowley

**Dear Demon:**

Crowley, just one look from you is necessary to tempt me. One look from you touches every part of me without the slightest contact with your skin.

** _Your loving,_ **

Aziraphale Z. Fell

**Dear Angel:**

I regret the following lustful and libidinous words, but I cannot contain myself anymore, it's all that you make me feel, with your presence you can enchant me and fascinate me completely.

I want to touch you. I want to make you feel so good that you can hardly breathe from it.

** _Wanting you more than ever,_ **

Anthony J. Crowley

**Dear Demon:**

Touch me. I want you to do it. It's what I want the most.

** _Unabashedly yours,_ **

Aziraphale Z. Fell

**Dear Angel:**

Are you sure, Zira?

** _With love,_ **

Anthony J. Crowley

**Dear Demon:**

I may have been afraid before, but not anymore. I don't fear anymore.

** _I love you,_ **

Aziraphale Z. Fell

**Dear Angel:**

Let me possess you, Azira, let me occupy you, body and soul, as long as you love me, let me be part of you.

It's something I had only longed for in my wildest dreams.

** _Always and forever,_ **

Anthony J. Crowley

**Dear Demon:**

I love you, Crowley. I need you.

** _With all my love,_ **

Aziraphale Z. Fell

**Dear Angel:**

I don't want anything. There is only one thing I want. You. You, in bed with me.

Please, even just for a few hours, would you stay with me? When the sun rises, I promise I will let you go.

** _Lustfully yours,_ **

Anthony J. Crowley

**Dear Demon:**

It's fine.

It's all fine.

God, it's perfect.

** _I love you,_ **

Aziraphale Z. Fell


	29. 🟔 For the rest of our lives 🟔

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I swear I see my whole universe inside your eyes: Beautiful and infinite.

Crowley growled in annoyance at the feel of the few, but powerful rays of light hitting his face. He tries to awake, stretch a little when a sense of panic invades him when he realizes that he doesn’t recognize that place, nor those are his sheets, nor those his curtains, and of course that couldn't be his bed.

By instinctive reaction, he turns quickly to his right side and what he sees causes his heart to run out of his chest and that a great sense of calm invades him.

_"That damn dream again,"_ thinks with frustration before being carried away by the lofty environment.

The ethereal beauty of Aziraphale is something that his heart barely endures. The blond remains serene with his eyes closed and a small smile on his face. The redhead does nothing but lies beside him to admire more comfortably the blond who, with a gesture of perennial imperturbability, continues to sleep.

Time doesn't pass for the demon in that scene that seems perfect, eternal, a dream brought to reality. With total fascination, he realizes that this is where he should be and where he wants to spend the rest of the centuries.

A smile appears his face at those thoughts, realizing he was damned, a sentence he happily accepted. In Aziraphale arms, kissing his lips anxiously and affectionately, among sighs, touches, and groans wanting more, he found his paradise. And last night did nothing but confirm all that.

With an enchantment that no demon would have considered proper, he brings his hand to the cheek of the angel and caresses it with care and sweetness, as if he were touching a piece of art that didn't deserve to be smeared by his dirty hands.

The blue eyes open slowly getting used to the light around him. His blue orbs meet with the amber eyes of the redhead and that gesture was enough to realize what had happened yesterday.

"Crowley ..." Aziraphale murmurs, with the amorousness still running through his veins.

"Good morning," the demon replies hoarsely, still rapt as to say more than two words.

He continues to caress his face and with his free hand he takes that of the blond, holding it tightly, confirming that this wasn't another dream with which he dared to fantasize at night, but the ineffable and now tangible reality.

He kisses his lips that he tastes like pure honey. And he delights at the glorious sensation that runs through his body.

"I'm going to make breakfast, okay?" He whispers almost in his ear.

"But you don't like eat breakfast, my dear..." the angel answers.

"But you do," he answers tersely and gives him another kiss on the lips that numbs the blond and makes his desire to stay with him stronger.

He slips out of bed almost without wanting to do so and moves towards the kitchen with his feet dragging, but he doesn't even get into the place when he sees a paper sheet and a pen abandoned there and suddenly it occurs to him that he has a better idea.

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**London 2017**

**Dear Angel:**

This. This is what I've wanted my whole fucking life.

No, not having sex, making love to you, that's what I want. Romantic sex while we kissing and cuddling until we fall asleep, and waking up the next morning in each other's arms, and repeat it every day for the rest of eternity. All that is what I want.

And not just for one day or one night! I want more from you, all from you for the rest of my life.

Aziraphale, I love you and even now I still don't know what to do with everything I feel when we are together, and I want to see if I can figure up all this mess in my head... together.

Because, when I'm with you, well, when I touch you, it makes everything feel more real, it reminds me that this is real now, that makes me feel like I'm the luckiest bastard that has ever walked the earth.

I guess these things are meant to be.

It's strange how all wonders in this world, the ones I've seen and the ones I'll see someday, mean nothing to me every time I hold your hand. I swear I see my whole universe inside your eyes: Beautiful and infinite.

And I know that you fear, I know that you suffer every time I kiss you, that I look at you or that I touch you because you believe that at any moment I will leave you, that I will abandon you and leave you alone as if you were not worth it. But let me tell you it won't be like that.

Fuck, Aziraphale, how could I do it? If I have been in love with you for 6000 years, I've waited so long, so much that I fought, suffered and cried for you. To leave you? Simply nonsense. You are the love of my life, I could never do it.

Everything, you mean everything to me, angel.

So stop kissing me like you're saying goodbye. This is the beginning, not the end.

Aziraphale Z. Fell, I love you and there is nothing in this whole world that could make you leave. I would never run away from you. I love you.

I love you. I have always loved you from the first moment. And always, I will always love you. Always, I promise you.

** _Loving you always,_ **

Anthony J. Crowley

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Aziraphale had expected nothing more than imperturbable and almost boring everyday life of an angel who lived only to work miracles, but now, after an unsuccessful end of the world, he didn't know what to expect.

He is completely awake and opens his eyes when he feels a new weight on him. A tray with breakfast is shown in front of him and the emotion he feels doesn't allow him to speak.

Look at the red-haired demon, who, without glasses, with a somewhat sleepy expression, and with completely ruffled hair, does nothing but look even more handsome than usual. Without saying a word, leave an envelope on the tray where he can read, with neat calligraphy, a simple dedication: _“To Aziraphale”_

"A letter ..." he whispers as if he had never seen one in his life.

"I will write you a letter every day, angel, from today until eternity," he replied, looking at him in a state of enchantment typical of a being completely and undoubtedly in love with his partner. He is not asking him, he is informing him that every day there will be a different letter, with thousands of things to say and that have not yet been expressed, with the tacit promise to declare eternal love in each of them.

His gesture must have been stunned because shortly after the demon he simply added:

"I told you we would recover everything lost, starting now."

Aziraphale doesn't know what to say and just looks down, almost ashamed of so much open declaration of love. He looks up with a significant blush on his cheeks and sees how the demon is still standing next to him, staring at him, as if he were studying hard every detail of his face.

"What's wrong, dear?" He asks, releasing little nervous laughs.

Crowley lets out a sigh and, still looking at him, he says in a hoarse voice but full of expressive affection:

"Your eyes are the most beautiful I've ever seen."

Aziraphale laughs and Crowley joins him. The blond takes it from the chin near it towards his face until finally their foreheads are joined. There, being the breath of the demon being the only thing he hears, he realizes that being there is the best thing he has dreamed of.

Perhaps it was the serenity around him, perhaps it was the look of complete devotion that the devil dedicated to him, or perhaps it was the enormous feeling of peace and security that settled in his chest, letting him know that he could not be in a better place. And it's not like he wanted to be in another place that wasn't there.


	30. 🟔 Ever yours 🟔

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aziraphale, do you realize that my world would end if you were no longer in it? I need you in my universe, angel. You’re my home.  
Will you let me call you mine, Zira?

"Read it"

"Crowley ..."

"Please!"

Aziraphale rolled his eyes before lowering the book he was reading. He knew the impetuous and exalted character of his partner, but he simply did not understand his insistence on reading that letter.

"My dear, every day you write me a letter, I don't see why this is special…"

"All the letters are special!" Exclaimed the demon with indignation and Aziraphale soon rectified.

"I know, my dear, just ..." He shut up for a moment, looking for the right words to say. "You act weirder... than usual."

Crowley snorted offended, although he quickly recomposed his face into a smile, it was hard for him to be angry at his angel, oh yes, Aziraphale had him completely stunned, if not stupid.

He extended the letter to Aziraphale, who looked at it as if it were a strange object with which he never had any contact "Read it, please." He asked, trying to hide the plea from his voice.

"Is it so important to you?" Aziraphale asked amused, but when he saw Crowley quickly nodded seriously on his face, he realized that it really was a matter of extreme importance to the demon.

He took the letter and began to read it, suddenly feeling his heart hammering against his chest with intensity.

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**London 2018**

**Dear Angel:**

I don’t want to be your boyfriend anymore.

Because I want to be your husband now. I want to marry you. I know you will think that after 6000 years, this is not necessary, but I want to be your husband, make it official and have a piece of paper signed and filed away in a stupid, useless office somewhere dull that says that you are mine and I am yours, that you would never leave me because we are married. I want to put a ring on your finger so that the whole world, the entire galaxy, and all the stars can look at us and know that you are mine, forever, that you are my husband and that you chose me.

There is only one thing that I am absolutely certain about, and it’s I want to spend the rest of my life where you are. I want this to be our eternity, you and I together, that our lives are entwined, more than they are now and when we look back we laugh and think that everything we live together was worth it to reach this moment. I want a chance to spend the rest of my life with the love of my life.

I hope you don't think I'm going too fast for you but if I do, what does it matter? I just know that I don't want to spend another day without you, we've been separated for so long, why wait? It's you, Aziraphale, it's always been you. If you want to be called Aziraphale Z. Crowley for the rest of your existence, let's bloody do it then.

Aziraphale, do you realize that my world would end if you were no longer in it? That I cannot live without you? I think ... I'd be lost without you. I need you in my universe, angel. You’re my home.

Will you let me call you mine, Zira?

** _Evers yours, _ **

Anthony J. Crowley

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Aziraphale finished reading trying to contain his emotions in the best way, but he realized that this was impossible when he turned his eyes to the demon and found him kneeling with a ring in his hand and without his dark glasses, adding more privacy to the moment.

"Aziraphale, I love you," he began to speak confidently, although the nervousness he felt was evident. "I love you so much that it scares me. I have never loved anyone so much and I feel that it could destroy me at any moment. I know I could. That you could do it. And I know I would let you do it."

Aziraphale didn't know how to feel at those words, so he let Crowley continue.

"Don't worry, this is going to get better," Crowley reassured him and Aziraphale felt guilty that the redhead had noticed his perplexed state. "But even if you could do it, you wouldn't. That's why I love you. I want to be with you for the rest of our lives, I want to kiss you, I want to say you good morning and good night, I want your arms around me when we're sleeping, I want to feel your breath in my neck and my hands in your hair, I want to share my bed, my life, and my everything. Everything, I want everything Aziraphale." And he stopped talking because he already felt his eyes wet with the threatening tears and felt that at any moment he would collapse.

"Crowley, are you crying?"

"No, something got in my eye,” proud-hearted as always, Crowley refused to admit that he left his emotions be showed. Aziraphale laughed and realized that if he had to bear Crowley for the rest of his existence, he would happily bear him.

"Stupid demon ..."

"That means yes?" He asked, trying to sound neutral when deep down he was dying of nerves to know the answer.

"What do you think?"

That was all the answer the demon needed. Crowley looked him in the eye, mute. It was only a moment before emotion dominated him. With almost palpable happiness, he suddenly enveloped him in a hug so strong that he lifted a span of the floor and spin him as if it were the romantic scene of one of his books, causing his laughter.

"We're made for each other; you know?" The demon told him as if he were revealing the best-kept secret of creation.

That only increased Aziraphale's wishes to kiss him, and of course, he did it.


	31. ꧁ Epilogue ꧂

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I think I'm dreaming"  
"Well, you're not, dear"

**South Downs, 2019**

**Dear Angel:**

Do you have any idea what it had been like for me to live with you every day, to spend each day beside you, to love you as I do and not doing or saying anything? A tremendous calamity.

I think I fell in love with you since the first time I met you only that then I didn't know it was love, or maybe you were right and I fell in love with you little by little, almost without realizing it. And so I spent more than 6000 years, yearning to touch you, but content to see you

I began to write these letters to keep in touch with you, but shortly after I realized that it was only a stupid excuse to be able to freely express my feelings, to talk about those emotions that I didn't dare to verbalize without denying the truth.

I didn't want to wake up in a world where I still hadn't said certain things. Before, I didn't think it was necessary, but then I realized that I needed it. If I had tried to smoother and contain those emotions, I would have exploded. That's why I resorted to this method because I certainly couldn't tell you or anyone else. No one would have understood it, I'd only have received the ridicule and the condemnation, so I decided to put on paper everything I felt for you.

Even so, I fear that I spent all this time writing an ode to the love I feel for you, from the beginning of the world until today. Can you blame me? I'm sure that with all the letters that I have made you I could write whole novels about your eyes, your look, your hands, and any other part of you.

And now, I'm living my eternity. And I'm happy, very happy that I am living my eternity with you.

I'm overwhelmed, really overwhelmed. I never thought someone would mean as much to me as you do.

I love you with everything I am, Aziraphale. Although I know I don't have to say it.

My Zira, what do I have to do convince you that I love you desperately?

I love you, Aziraphale. And even if I didn't tell you enough, you would know. I love you. Sometimes I watch you sleep and wonder what I'd be if it wasn't for you and I usually come to the conclusion that I'd be dead or lost because it's you who keeps me sane and who teaches me how to be better, how to be good (Yes! A demon being good!)

Please never leave my side, never. There is so much I can say, but I know that not even 489 words will never be enough (Yes, I counted them!), but that does not matter because I will have an eternity to express it every day.

You're my miracle. You always have been.

** _Ever yours,_ **

Anthony J. Fell

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Aziraphale opened his eyes slowly, trying to get used to the light radiating in his room. As part of a routine that had become inherent in him, he stretched out his arm lazily, groping for the body he was sleeping next to every night. As usual, he didn't find it.

With the same drowsiness with which he stretched his arm, he dropped it heavily and stirred between the sheets that covered the bed he shared with the devil for a year. The rest was short-lived since he was barely recovering when the door of the room opened, giving way to the red-haired demon who, like every morning without fail, carried a tray with freshly made breakfast and a letter.

_"Like every day,"_ Aziraphale thought with love and gratitude settling in his chest.

"Good morning, husband." The redhead greeted with joy that, anyone who knew him, would think it was not common in him. And they were right, usually, he reserved all that energy and enthusiasm for his husband.

"Crowley, I've been your husband for 5 months, why do you keep calling me that?" He asked, forming an everlasting smile on his face.

"Because it's been 5 months and I still don't believe it," Crowley answered naturally, leaving the tray on the bed. He lay down next to the blond on the bed and placed his head on his shoulder, giving what could be the best example of what domestic happiness was.

"Crowley, I want..." Aziraphale said in a murmur, stroking the redheaded hair of the demon, which now was long enough to fell carelessly on his shoulders.

"What? Escape to Las Vegas?" Crowley joked.

"Crowley!"

"I'm kidding!"

"Well, don't kid, my dear." Aziraphale rolled his eyes, but he didn't erase the smile that was twitching on his lips at the time. "Besides, it's too late for that." He raised his right hand, where it was a golden ring brightly shining. The demon smiled victoriously.

"Well, we can get married again..." he added with a cheerful look. "You owe me after all this time."

Aziraphale snorted in indignation and almost protested, but the demon silenced him with a smile, leaning next to him and surround him tightly with his arms.

"Hey! Don't blame me…" He kissed his lips before continuing. "It was you who wanted to move before the wedding."

"I know, dear," said the blond. "I hope that didn't bother you," he said with a small guilty smile on his face.

"Angel ..." Another kiss on the lips. "If I wait for you 6000 years, I could wait whatever it takes."

Aziraphale let out a laugh as he let the demon get his head back on his shoulder, while he stroked his hair. At this point in his life, he wondered how he could have been so cowardly, avoiding the opportunity to be happy with the demon, he cursed himself and all the obstacles that were in the way, but every time he returned home and I looked at that little corner near paradise where they had created a home, forgot any feeling that linked it to the past.

And it wasn't that complicated.

Since the beginning of time, his friendship with Crowley had been rethought. Everything around him always seemed to indicate that both were more than just friends and apparently, 6000 years of romantic and sexual tension, and almost end of the world and a death scare were enough to reaffirm those feelings that he had been so hard to hide for cowardice. Only now, with Crowley and him living in total calm and harmony that they thought they never would, he felt complete.

Aziraphale held his breath as he felt Crowley's hand firmly taking his hand, but with a soft and affectionate touch.

"I think I'm dreaming". Crowley murmured with fascination in his voice.

"Well, you're not, dear," Aziraphale assured him.

Crowley muttered something inaudible that Aziraphale could not decipher. A light caress left him motionless, he expected something intimate, but Crowley didn't do any of that. He surrounds Aziraphale with one of his arms and shrugged until his forehead was resting on his chest.

"You are real," he whispered.

Aziraphale felt tickle in his stomach. He lowered his hand and tangled his fingers between his red-haired curls.

"I am," he simply replied.

Crowley looked back at him with an almost childish smile and a blush on his cheeks. "Today's letter!"

"Every day you write me one, my dear." Aziraphale reminded him as his smile grew on his face.

"And today is not an exception, angel." the demon declared, "I told you that I would write one to you every day, so pay attention, today I plan to narrate it to you."

"Oh yeah?" He closed his eyes and settled into bed, ready to hear today's epistolary declaration. "I'm ready, dear."

"Fine." The grip tightened around his body. Smiled. "Dear Angel..."

A clear throat of the angel made him change what was said before.

"My dear Aziraphale Z. Crowley."

And there, in a small cottage in the south of England, far from the telltale eyes and far from unfounded responsibilities and unfounded fears, the guardian of the eastern gate and the demon of the first sin began the rest of their lives together.

And the rest, well, you know the rest.


End file.
